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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people today like to move to the city. This has created big cities with millions of people. Give reasons why people want to go to the city and give some problems this might cause.

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Introduction
Living in the
cities
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 is a dream for many
people
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. It offers an amazing chance to improve their life.
However
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, it
also
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 comes with many difficulties.
This
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 essay will examine the main reasons why
people
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 want to go to the
city
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 and some
problems
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 that might arise.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are numerous reasons why
people
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 want to go to the
city
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.
First,
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they get a better education. They have more job opportunities.
Furthermore
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, the universities and schools are all nearby.
Second,
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they have an excellent health care system.
For example
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, the hospitals are all international, of higher quality, and
people
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 get faster care.
As a result
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,
people
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 will not be afraid of medical care.
Finally
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, the
cities
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 are modern and well-developed.
People
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 use public transport to go to work,
such
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 as
,
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 underground and buses.
Also
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, super malls and many stores offer amazing shopping.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are
also
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 some
problems
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 that might happen.
First,
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there are millions of
people
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 living in the
cities
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.
Therefore
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, traffic congestion is one of the biggest
problems
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.
For instance
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,
people
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 in the
city
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 are often late for work.
Second,
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cities
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 are overcrowded with cars and factories.
Moreover
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,
this
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 leads to air pollution, smog and dirty air.
Furthermore
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, it is very dangerous to
people
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's lives.
Finally
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, nowadays the
cities
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 are very popular. Living there is extremely expensive. Renting an apartment is costly, as is the high cost of living.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that living in the
city
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 has unlimited reasons why
people
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 want to go there.
However
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, it
also
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 presents some serious
problems
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.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: why people move to cities and what problems this can cause. To improve, explain each main point more fully. For example, say what kinds of jobs people can get and why these jobs may pay more.
task response
Some points are useful but too general. The part about schools, hospitals, and shops needs clearer links to why people choose city life. Add one real or clear example for each main idea.
task response
Your problems are clear: traffic, bad air, and high costs. Develop the results of these problems. For example, traffic can waste time and cause stress, while high rent can make life hard for low-paid workers.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is mostly clear, but some short sentences feel separate. Join closely linked ideas so the paragraph flows better. For example: 'Cities also offer better health care, as they have large hospitals with more staff and equipment.'
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use 'First', 'Second', and 'Finally' well, but 'Furthermore' and 'Moreover' are sometimes repeated. Use simple links such as 'also', 'because', 'so', and 'as a result' when they show the true link between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one clear point. In the first body paragraph, education, health care, transport, and shopping are all included. You could split these into fewer, more fully explained ideas.
task response
You give clear reasons for moving to cities, including study, work, health care, and modern services.
task response
You choose relevant problems, especially traffic, air pollution, and the high cost of city life.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly states what the essay will discuss, and the conclusion returns to both sides of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The use of 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' helps the reader see the change from reasons to problems.
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