IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Should long-term job seekers in receipt of government benefits be made to do voluntary work so that they give something back to the community? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, it is more common that governments around the
wolrd
Correct your spelling
world
support
Use synonyms
 unemployed
citizen
Check wording
citizens
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
while
Linking Words
 they get a position.
However
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that they might do voluntary work
as a pay
Change preposition
in return
show examples
 for the government contributions. It is
disagreed
Use the right word
disputed
show examples
 that long-term
job
Use synonyms
 seekers should return
this
Linking Words
 help
throught communitary
Correct your spelling
through community
 work.
Hence
Linking Words
, not only
not having a
Correct word order
is not having a job
show examples
job
Use synonyms
 is not their
fault's
Punctuation problem
fault,
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 the
time
Use synonyms
 that they will spend doing voluntary work will take most of their day, are some of the reasons that are going to be
disscussed
Correct your spelling
discussed
 in
this
Linking Words
 essay.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, most
people
Use synonyms
 looking for a
job
Use synonyms
 are willing to
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 successfully hired.
Althought
Correct your spelling
Although
 they have tried, it is a process that takes
time
Use synonyms
, and it is not their fault
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 not being selected.
For example
Linking Words
, even
thought
Use the right word
though
show examples
 a family of 4 with a long-term
job
Use synonyms
 seeker parent, which receive the government
support
Use synonyms
, will struggle
with
Verb problem
to make
show examples
 ends and meets to the end of the month.
Hence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
support
Use synonyms
 will
reliefe
Correct your spelling
relieve
 the weight and
gives
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
 them more
time
Use synonyms
 to get a suitable position.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, considering the current economy and that the expenses are always present, being unemployed is not easy. For that reason,
people
Use synonyms
 have to spend most of the
time
Use synonyms
 applying to new positions, aiming to increase the
opportunities
Check wording
chances
show examples
 of
get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
 it.
For instance
Linking Words
, if they are doing voluntary service, they will not have
enought
Correct your spelling
enough
time
Use synonyms
.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, they will lose precious
time
Use synonyms
, better used for looking for a
job
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 3
To summarise,
althought
Correct your spelling
although
 some
people
Use synonyms
 would like that unemployed individuals, whom the government economically
Use synonyms
support
Correct subject-verb agreement
supports
show examples
, might have to do
communitary
Correct your spelling
community
 service. It is believed that
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 have more opportunities to be hired if they do not have
this
Linking Words
 obligation, because they have more
time
Use synonyms
 to apply
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it is not a likely situation for any of them. As the
numbers
Check wording
number
show examples
 of unemployed
people
Use synonyms
rise
Correct subject-verb agreement
rises
show examples
, it is suggested
better
Correct word choice
that better
show examples
 training
for
Verb problem
is needed for
show examples
 jobs.
Conclusion
is
Correct pronoun usage
It is
show examples
 better used for looking for a
job
Use synonyms
.

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task response
You answer the question and give a clear view: people should not have to do unpaid work. Keep this view clear in every part of the essay.
task response
Give more full reasons. Explain why unpaid work may make job search harder, such as less time for job forms, talks with firms, and learning new skills.
task response
Your first example is hard to follow. Use a short, clear example: a parent who must look after children may need time to find work and go to job talks.
task response
The last idea about job training is useful, but explain it more. Say how training can help people get work faster than unpaid work can.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. This is a good plan. Make each main part start with one clear point.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and have many ideas. Use shorter sentences to make the meaning clear. For example, say: “Finding work takes time. People must send job forms and go to talks.”
coherence and cohesion
Use link words in a more natural way. “Firstly” and “Secondly” are fine, but do not use “Hence” many times. Try “Also”, “For this reason”, and “As a result” where they fit.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea about time for job search. In the first main part, focus on fairness. In the second, focus on the real time needed to find work.
coherence and cohesion
Make the final part match your main view more clearly. End with one direct line: people should get help and job training, not be made to do unpaid work.
task response
You give a direct answer and stay on the main question.
task response
You use a real-life example about a family, which helps show why government help is needed.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to see as an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signpost words, such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, “For example”, and “To summarise”.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Long-term job seekers
  • Government benefits
  • Voluntary work
  • Community service
  • Employability
  • Sense of purpose
  • Mental health
  • Stigma
  • Unemployed
  • Public funds
  • Positively impact
  • Community
  • Exploit
  • Vulnerable individuals
  • Devalue
  • Volunteerism
  • Informal contributions
  • Skill-matching
  • Beneficial and fulfilling
What to do next:
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