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Writing Samples
Band 5

Professional athletes often earn high salaries. However, there is a significant pay gap between athletes and professionals in other fields. Discuss whether this salary disparity is justified and what its impact on societ

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Introduction
Professional athletes are often well paid in most countries in the world
, the number of
Add a semicolon
;
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 their pay can be 3 or more times
than
Correct pronoun usage
that of
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 professionals in other fields. There have been different voices about whether
this
Linking Words
 disparity is
resonable
Correct word choice
reasonable
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, and I am going to elabrote different voices.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, the profits which professional athletes bring to their teams or
cooperates
Replace the word
cooperatives
 tend to be
considerablely
Rephrase
considerably
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 huge, like
sponorships
Correct your spelling
sponsorships
, broadcasting rights, and ticket sales
etc
Punctuation problem
, etc
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. Sometimes a game benefits a whole area or city where it is held. It boosts
economy
Add an article
the economy
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 of travel agencies, hotels, restaurants and other relevant
industies
Correct your spelling
industries
. In
this
Linking Words
 perspective, it is natural to think
high
Correct word choice
that high
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 salaries are what professional athletes deserve. They are the main actors and actresses of every exciting game.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, when a professional athlete is
no
Rephrase
not
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 so influential, which is more common in society, people may doubt the fairness of their pay. Since most experts or
specialist
Check wording
specialists
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 in every field take years of learning and practice to be able to master their professions, it seems
just
Correct word choice
fair
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 to pay them equally. What
:s
Punctuation problem
,'s
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 more, everyone in the society more or less needs services provided by engineers, doctors, teachers and other people in different
inddustries
Correct your spelling
industries
. Equality should be considered in
this
Linking Words
 regard.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
, the salary gap discussed above shapes how society defines success. When eslite sport stars earn vastly more than those whose work seems
no
Rephrase
not
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 so
glamous
Correct your spelling
glamorous
, it can distort public perceptions of hard work and fairness.
While
Linking Words
 market forces will always drive athletic pay, addressing the impact of
this
Linking Words
 disparity is crucial to ensuring that other vital professions remain respected for future generations.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain why high pay may be fair, but you need more about the effect on society. For example, say how it may make young people choose sport over other needed jobs, or how it may make doctors and teachers feel less valued.
task response
Make your own view clear in the first and last parts. You show both sides, but the reader is not fully sure what you think. Say if high pay is fair only when a player brings in a very large amount of money.
task response
Use one clear, real-life example for each main point. For example, a big football game can bring money to hotels and food shops. In contrast, a doctor may save lives but earn far less.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, two main parts, and end. Keep this shape, but make the first part state the two questions you will answer.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly. Use simple words such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For this reason”, and “As a result”. This will help the reader follow the change from pay to its effect on society.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the grammar is not clear. For example, change “the number of their pay” to “their pay”, and change “what professional athletes deserve” to “what professional athletes deserve to earn”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep key words the same. Use “professional athletes”, “other workers”, and “pay gap” again, rather than many different words. This makes the writing easier to read.
task response
You give both sides of the pay gap: athletes can bring in a lot of money, while other workers also do very important work.
task response
Your last part gives a useful social effect: very high sports pay can change how people see success, hard work, and fair pay.
coherence and cohesion
The main parts are in a good order. The move from “On one hand” to “On the other hand” is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful examples such as sponsorships, TV rights, tickets, hotels, and restaurants. These make your first main point clearer.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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