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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays sport is becoming a big business with professional players earning high salary and more companies get involved in sports financially. Is this a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
In modern life,
sports
Use synonyms
 have become important for players to get astronomical salaries, and various companies get involved in
this
Linking Words
 kind of investment,
this
Linking Words
 is because they want to earn profits. From my perspective,
although
Linking Words
 spending millions
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 events has
positively
Replace the word
a positive
 impact on economic growth in many countries,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 amount of
money
Use synonyms
 should be allocated for the poor
instead
Linking Words
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
sports
Use synonyms
 events have a vital role in
people
Use synonyms
's lives, and for governments who want to overcome
it's
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 economic issues.
This
Linking Words
 practice may yield financially in these countries.
For instance
Linking Words
,
World
Add an article
the World
show examples
 Cup 2022, in Qatar, the
government
Use synonyms
 spent a lot of
money
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
Linking Words
 event, and citizens there have noticed that many job opportunities had
arised
Wrong verb form
arisen
show examples
after
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 competition, which many
qataries
Correct your spelling
Qataris
 gained financially, and the
government
Use synonyms
 became globally recognisable.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
sports
Use synonyms
 events, especially international ones, has profoundly positive impact on both
people
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is obvious that many countries are struggling economically, and the
people
Use synonyms
 who lives their have to meet their needs.
Moreover
Linking Words
, governments in
this
Linking Words
 situation usually focus on investing
money
Use synonyms
 in
sports
Use synonyms
 rather than enhancing and addressing poor communities. To cite an example, in the World Cup 2026, in the USA, many individuals were struggling and complaining
from
Change preposition
about the
show examples
 healthcare services and
bad
Add an article
the bad
show examples
 infrastructure during
this
Linking Words
 event.
Consequently
Linking Words
, after that World Cup event, there is no noticeable change in their lives, even when the
government
Use synonyms
 already spent
amount
Add an article
an amount
show examples
 of
money
Use synonyms
 on
this
Linking Words
 competition.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 spending a large amount of
money
Use synonyms
 can provide great opportunities to poor
people
Use synonyms
, the
government
Use synonyms
 should allocate private budget for poor communities and
people
Use synonyms
 who live there to make sure that their
life
Check wording
lives
show examples
 become better compared with the past.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. State clearly that this is mainly a negative change, then keep this view in both body parts.
task response
Explain why high pay for players and company money in sport affect poor people. At times, the essay talks only about government money, but the question also asks about players and companies.
task response
Make your main ideas clearer. For example, say that sport can bring jobs and money, but too much public money for sport can take money from health, homes, and schools.
task response
Use examples that are safe and clear. The Qatar example needs more detail about how the event helped local people. The USA example is not clear because the event had not happened at the time of writing.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: introduction with your view, one paragraph on good points, one paragraph on bad points, and a conclusion that repeats your view.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then give an explanation and one example. This will help the reader follow your point.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simple way. Use words such as “However”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In contrast” only when the next sentence really follows the first one.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two or three short sentences so the meaning is easier to follow.
task response
You give a clear personal view in the introduction and try to discuss both good and bad sides.
task response
You use real sport events as examples, which helps make your ideas less general.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The phrases “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” help show the overall order of the essay.
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