IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think government should care more about elderly, while others think they should focus on investing in education for younger people. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Introduction
These days
taking
Punctuation problem
, taking
show examples
 care of
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 elderly and educating the younger generation has become a
contoversial
Correct your spelling
controversial
 issue.
While
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 some argue that the aged people should be taken care
by
Change preposition
of by
show examples
 the
government
Use synonyms
, others believe that they should invest in
younger students education
Correct word order
the education of younger students
show examples
. I firmly
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that the
later
Use the right word
latter
show examples
 should be considered.
This
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 essay will explain why I support investing in future generations.
Body paragraph 1
The primary reason for my opinion is that the younger age groups have
an
Correct article usage
the
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 ability and the brain power to achieve anything in their life.
This
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 is because a younger mind grasps and
funtions
Correct your spelling
functions
 at the optimal level.
For example
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, if a child is taught an advanced level of a
computer based
Correct your spelling
computer-based
 lesson, he or she can learn faster and apply the knowledge more efficiently.
Therefore
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, the
government
Use synonyms
 could think of funding
such
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 fields for the growth of the children and the country.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, if they invest in
elderly
Add an article
the elderly
show examples
 population, it might not be fruitful for the nation. To illustrate, there are private firms
,
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apply
show examples
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 are already investing in taking care of the elderly people. Since many individuals are already looking after them,
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
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 should not waste time and money
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
such
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 programs.
This
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 is because we might not get anything in return for the development of the country.
Hence
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,
elderly
Add an article
the elderly
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 should be the responsibility of their family, not the
government
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly agree with the thought of funding a
childrens
Check wording
child's
show examples
 education, rather than investing in an older populations well being. Though the older people are with experience and can teach the younger
generatons
Correct your spelling
generations
, it might not
adequate
Verb problem
be adequate
show examples
 enough in the era of
computer based
Correct your spelling
computer-based
 learning.
Thus
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, prioritising the younger over the elderly could be considered.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. However, the side about old people is too one-sided. Explain why government help may still be needed, such as health care, money, and daily care for old people with no family.
task response
Your main view is clear, but some ideas are too strong. Saying old people give nothing back and should only be cared for by family is not fair or fully true. Use a more balanced view and show how both young and old people can help the country.
task response
Develop each main point more. For education, explain how better schools can lead to jobs, new ideas, and a stronger economy. For old people, explain why private care may not be open to all people.
task response
Your example about computer lessons is on topic, but it is quite small. Add a clearer real-life example, such as government money for schools in poor areas or training for teachers.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the link between the two sides smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words with care. Words such as “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “Therefore” are helpful, but some are used to repeat the same point. Add links that show contrast, such as “However” and “At the same time”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body part state one clear main idea. Then give a reason, an example, and a short result. This will make each part easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “government should not waste time and money” and “we might not get anything in return”. State the idea once, then explain it with a clear reason.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both views and clearly state your own view.
task response
The essay stays on the main topic of government money for education and care for old people.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction gives your position, and the conclusion returns to it clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your body parts are easy to see, and you use examples to support your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • government
  • invest
  • education
  • elderly
  • young people
  • support
  • healthcare
  • income support
  • companion
  • dignity
  • quality of life
  • future
  • jobs
  • economy
  • poverty
  • workforce
  • society
  • programs
  • intergenerational
  • knowledge
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