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Band 4

In the modern world, schools are no longer necessary because there is so much information available through internet, that they can just as well study at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There is on going debate about the necessity of schooling because of the internet.
Although
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 some argue that students can stay at
home
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, I believe
to
Correct word choice
that, to
show examples
 a certain extent, one-on-one interaction can boost self-confidence and strengthen emotional
connection
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.
However
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, in recent years,
due to
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 technological advancement, children are studying at
home
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.
This
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 essay will explain why.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, school is a primary driving force behind self- confidence. By attending school physically, students can empower themselves with knowledge.
This
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 can lead to personal growth and strengthen their relationships
,
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;
show examples
as a result
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, they gain self-confidence that can enhance their
connection
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 with peers.
Furthermore
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, there is a comelling evidence that schools have a big influence towards emotional
connection
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.
For instance
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, a lot of people meet their partners in life during their academic years. A one-on-one interaction can provide a reliable attachment among individuals.
Body paragraph 2
Regarding the availability of the internet, these days, more people are leaning towards homeschooling.
This
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 is because of the rise in technology, and it has become convenient and easy to access.
For example
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, during crises,
home
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 schooling become an option, but
such
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 an approach leads to disconnection among humans.
Although
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home
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 schooling has merits,
but
Correct word choice
apply
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physical attendance outweighs online
connection
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 there is vaild argument on both sides,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 believe that going to school is more advantageous.
This
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 is mainly because of self-confidence and emotional
connection
Use synonyms
.

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Task response
Make your main view more direct in the first part. Say clearly that you disagree that schools are no longer needed, or say how far you agree.
Task response
Focus more closely on the question. Explain why schools are still needed even when the internet gives much information. For example, schools give teachers, planned study, feedback, and safe social contact.
Task response
Develop each main point with a clear reason and result. The point about meeting a life partner is not a strong reason for the need for schools. Use a more direct example, such as a teacher helping a child understand hard work.
Task response
Explain the other side more fully. Home study can be easy, cheap, and useful in a crisis, but it may not suit all children. Then show why school is still better overall.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Make the link between ideas smoother by using simple words such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “Therefore”.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The first body paragraph should stay on learning and confidence. The second should compare home study with school study.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “self-confidence” and “emotional connection” without adding new detail. Give one clear point, explain it, and then give an example.
Coherence and cohesion
Check sentence links and full stops. For example, do not join two full ideas only with a comma. This will make your writing easier to follow.
Task response
You give a clear overall view that going to school has more good points than studying only at home.
Task response
You include both sides of the issue by discussing school and home study.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraph breaks and has an introduction and conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
Words such as “To begin with”, “Furthermore”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion” help show the order of your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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