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Band 3

In the modern world, schools are no longer necessary because there is so much information available through internet, that they can just as well study at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There is on going debate about the necessity of schooling because of
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
.
Although
Linking Words
 some argue that students can stay at
home
Use synonyms
,
but i
Correct word choice
I
show examples
 believe to
certain
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a certain
show examples
 extent, one-on-one interaction can boost
self-cofidence
Correct your spelling
self-confidence
 and strengthen emotional
connection
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
in
show examples
 recent years,
due to
Linking Words
 technological advancement, children are
studing
Correct your spelling
studying
 at
home
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explain why.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, school is a primary driving force behind self- confidence. By attending school physically, students can empower
them selfs
Correct your spelling
themselves
 with knowledge.
This
Linking Words
 can lead to personal growth and
strenghen
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strengthen
 their relationships,
as a result
Linking Words
, they gain self-confidence that can enhance their
connection
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 with peers.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, there is a comelling evidence that schools have a big influence towards emotional
connection
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, a lot of people meet their
parteners
Correct your spelling
partners
 in life during their
acadamic
Correct your spelling
academic
 years. A one-on-one
interacion
Correct your spelling
interaction
 can provide a reliable
attachement amoung
Correct your spelling
attachment among
 individuals.
Body paragraph 2
In regards with
Change preposition
Regarding
show examples
 the
avaliablity
Correct your spelling
availability
 of
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
,
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 days, more people are leaning towards
Use synonyms
home schooling
Correct your spelling
homeschooling
.
This
Linking Words
 is because of the rise in technology, and it
become
Verb problem
has become
show examples
convenience
Replace the word
convenient
 and easy to access.
For example
Linking Words
, during crises,
home
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 schooling become an
opinion
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option
show examples
, but
such
Linking Words
approach
Add an article
an approach
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lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to disconnection among humans.
Although
Linking Words
home
Use synonyms
 schooling has merits,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
physical attendance
autweighs
Correct your spelling
outweighs
 online
connection
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
Linking Words
Although
Fix capitalization
although
show examples
 there is vaild argument on both sides,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that going to school is more
advatageous
Correct your spelling
advantageous
.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because of self-confidence and emotional
connection
Use synonyms
.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. You seem to disagree, but “to a certain extent” makes your position less clear. Say if you mostly agree or mostly disagree, then keep this view all the way through.
task response
Answer the main idea more fully. Explain why the internet cannot replace school, such as teacher help, class work, friends, and a set daily plan. Also explain why home study may work for some learners.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear reason and result. For example, do not only say school builds self-confidence; explain how speaking in class, group work, and meeting new people can build it.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. The example about people meeting life partners is not closely linked to whether schools are needed. A better example is students asking a teacher for help when they do not understand a hard lesson.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: introduction with your view, one paragraph on the good points of school, one paragraph on the limits of home study, and a conclusion that repeats your view.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one main idea. Then add an explanation and an example. This will help the reader follow your points more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid using “Although” and “but” together in the same sentence. Choose one: “Although home study has good points, school is better for most children.”
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words that show the relation clearly: “For example”, “As a result”, “However”, and “In contrast”. Make sure each link matches the idea before it.
task response
You give a clear main view that face-to-face school has value beyond getting information online.
task response
You choose two useful ideas for your answer: self-confidence and human connection.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the overall shape is easy to see.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as “To begin with”, “Furthermore”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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