IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

You took an elderly member of your family, who was not able to walk properly, to a museum and he/she faced a few problems. Write a letter to the manager of the museum. In your letter, say why you visited the museum de

4.5 / 9
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Dear manager, I am writing
this
Linking Words
 letter to share my personal experience of
Linking Words
last
Correct determiner usage
my last
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 visit with my grandfather
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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i
Fix capitalization
I
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 will look to talk about some points which could enhance the service of the
meuseum
Correct your spelling
museum
.
Last
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sunday
Capitalize the proper name
Sunday
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, I visited
to
Change preposition
apply
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the museum with my grandfather
who
Punctuation problem
, who
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 is esppecially abled and use wheelchair to help him. Your staff is not only helpful and
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
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 good
sevices
Correct your spelling
services
 but
also
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 show concerns to old people
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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 towards the different abled persons. What is
notice
Replace the word
noticeable
 is
,
Correct word choice
that
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 most of the people
visit
Correct pronoun usage
who visit
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this
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 music museum are seniors, but
unfortunately
Punctuation problem
unfortunately,
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 there is no arrangement of aspects
,
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 they might need
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as transport for those who are not able to walk,
helpers
Correct word choice
or helpers
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 for those who are not able to see. I think you should talk to your management about hiring more
indiviuals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 who know how to handle specially abled individuals and
also
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 add
vehicals
Correct your spelling
vehicles
 or chairs to make them feel comfortable.
This
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 would help you to improve the services of your museum. I would love
hear
Verb problem
to hear
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 your point of view or an update on
this
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. Your faithfully

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task response
Give a clear reason for the visit, such as taking your grandfather to see a special show. Also, say what problems he faced at the museum. The letter talks more about general needs than the exact problems on that day.
task response
Cover all parts of the task in full. Add details about access, chairs, help from staff, or getting around the museum. Then make clear requests for change.
task response
Use a more formal style. For example, write “Dear Sir or Madam” and end with “Yours faithfully.” Avoid “I would love hear your point of view.”
coherence and cohesion
Put each main point in its own paragraph: reason for writing, problems faced, and what you want the manager to do. This will make the letter easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words to show the order of ideas, such as “First,” “However,” “For this reason,” and “Finally.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for key ideas. Use “museum,” not “music museum,” and use “disabled people” or “people with special needs” in a clear and polite way.
task response
You clearly write that you visited with your grandfather and that he uses a wheelchair. You also give useful ideas, such as more staff and chairs.
coherence and cohesion
The letter has a clear opening, a main paragraph, and a closing. Your main aim—to ask for better help for older people—is easy to see.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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