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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, it is becoming increasingly common for individuals to change jobs or even professions several times during their working lives. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend?

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Introduction
Nowadays,
public
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the public
show examples
 has
a
Correct article usage
apply
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little hesitation about staying in one occupation.
However
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, there is a growing trend of
people
Use synonyms
 changing jobs more frequently.
This
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 essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages
,
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apply
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 and express my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
change
Wrong verb form
changing
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career
Use synonyms
 paths may help employees increase their income. In other
word
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words
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, the workers may be able to earn a higher salary than in their previous jobs.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 could be a result of a
career
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 shift that allows them
develop
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to develop
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 their hard and soft skills
further
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.
In addition
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, another benefit is that
helps
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it helps
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people
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 build more relationships with others who may support them mentally and financially.
For example
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, there is a statistic showing how executive managers reached their positions.
it
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It
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 was found that most of them had changed jobs frequently.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
people
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 who start a new
career
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 may feel uncomfortable in their new job
related
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due
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 to the new place policy. It is possible to say that many employees consider that staying in unhealth work space is
drawback
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a drawback
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 and could affect their performance.
Moreover
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, output could
be declined
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decline
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and
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, and
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 that will impact
on
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apply
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the employee's
career
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 path.
For instance
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, many workers had
early
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to retire early
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retiring
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apply
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due to
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 the loss of health that they faced.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
there
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it
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 is increasingly common for individuals to change professions multiple times during their
career
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 path. I tend to believe that
this
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 trend may
be
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apply
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help some
people
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 to adjust their financial status,
while
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 it could affect many workers
involving
Wrong verb form
involved
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 in a bad and
unhealth
Replace the word
unhealthy
 environment.

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Task response
Answer both parts in a more even way. Give clear good points and bad points, then state your own view clearly in the end.
Task response
Develop each main idea. Explain how a new job can bring more pay or new skills, and why this matters to workers.
Task response
Use examples that are clear and real. The example about managers is not explained enough, and the statistic has no source. A short made-up example can work if it clearly shows the point.
Task response
Some ideas do not fit the question well. Moving to an unhealthy work place is not a direct bad point of changing jobs. Focus on risks such as less job safety, stress while learning, or loss of pay between jobs.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the main idea of each paragraph more direct.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. For example, write “In other words,” not “In other word,” and make sure the next sentence explains the one before it.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the links between sentences clearer. For example: “Changing jobs can raise income. This is because workers may find a role with better pay.”
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “this,” “that,” and “it” when the reader may not know what they mean. Name the idea again when needed.
Coherence and cohesion
Check sentence form and word choice, as these can make the order of ideas hard to follow. For example, use “changing career paths,” “develop their skills,” “an unhealthy work place,” and “early retirement.”
Task response
You address both the good and bad sides of changing jobs, and you give your own view in the final paragraph.
Task response
You include useful ideas about higher pay, skill growth, new people, and problems in a new work place.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow at a high level because it uses an introduction, “On the one hand,” “On the other hand,” and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has a main topic, which helps the reader understand your plan.
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