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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, the government has tried to reduce traffic. For instance, they impose a congestion tax during rush hours. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
Nowadays, traffic jam has become
common
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a common
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 problem
,
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;
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 in some countries, the government has tried to reduce traffic
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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while
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 they imposed a congestion
tax
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 during peak
hours
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. From my perspective, I think
that is
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 a positive development since
people
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 may change the ways hot they
commuting
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commute
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 to work and improving nature surroundings.
Body paragraph 1
One main beneficial aspect
to
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of
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this
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 view is that
people
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 may alter ways how they travel to work.
This
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 is because individuals have their own private
cars
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, which means they would come earlier and without any problems.
As a result
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, if
people
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 change their roots to trains, buses, and metros,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 can carry thousands of
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people
Punctuation problem
people,
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 they would save money on
fuels
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fuel
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.
For example
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, citizens of
city
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the city
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Tokyo
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of Tokyo
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 use public transport
instead
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 of
cars
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 because buses and metros can easily be obtain in any time.
Body paragraph 2
The second positive aspect
to
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of
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this
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 statement is
giving
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 taxes on drivers during rush
hours
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 can help protect
environment
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the environment
show examples
.
This
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 means
people
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 who use their private
cars
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 with the engine running, which can lead to air pollution or toxic emissions.
Consequently
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, if the government give
tax
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 on drivers during peak
hours
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, it can help to reduce air pollution and
leak
Replace the word
the leakage
 of carbon emissions.
For instance
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,
government
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the government
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 can receive money from
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tax
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taxes
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, and can allocate
them
Fix the agreement mistake
it
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 for protecting
nature
Replace the word
natural
 surroundings
such
Linking Words
 as flowers or trees.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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this
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 view has certain drawbacks, I fully think
that
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is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
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positive
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a positive
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 development since imposing
tax
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 during peak
hours
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 on drivers can change the
ways how
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way
show examples
people
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 travel to work and would help to protect nature and reduce
amount
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the amount
show examples
 of carbon
emission
Check wording
emissions
show examples
 from
cars
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Give a clearer main view in the first part: say that the tax is a positive change because it cuts car use and air pollution. Keep this same view in all parts. Do not say there are drawbacks if you do not explain them.
task response
Develop each main point more fully. Explain why a tax makes people use buses or trains, and explain how fewer cars lead to less dirty air. Add one clear result for each point.
task response
Use examples that show the effect of the tax. The Tokyo example is useful, but explain that good public transport helps people leave their cars at home. The final example should focus on traffic or air, not flowers.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: start, two main parts, and end. Make the link between ideas smoother with simple words such as “because”, “so”, “therefore”, and “for this reason”.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one direct main idea. Then give an explanation and an example. Some sentences now have too many ideas, so split them into shorter sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each sentence says exactly what you mean. For example, “people may change the ways how they travel” can become “people may change how they travel to work.” Also use “routes”, not “roots”.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly say that the change is positive.
task response
You give two relevant reasons: people may use public transport more, and there may be less air pollution.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For example”, “As a result”, and “Consequently” help show links between some ideas.
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