IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Is it important for children to learn the difference between rights and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to chilldren?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
I agree that it is important to teach
children
Use synonyms
 the difference between
rights
Check wording
right
show examples
 and wrong from a young age because it will make them have a good attitude. There are a lot of misbehaving
children
Use synonyms
 because
Use synonyms
teacher
Add an article
the teacher
show examples
 or
parents
Use synonyms
 did not teach them the
diffrence
Correct your spelling
difference
 between good and bad.
Body paragraph 1
Linking Words
firstly
Capitalize the word
Firstly
show examples
,
children
Use synonyms
is a
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 pure
soul
Check wording
souls
show examples
 that
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not know anything in
this
Linking Words
 world, especially about good or bad
behaviour
Use synonyms
.
That is
Linking Words
 why legal
guardian
Check wording
guardians
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
teacher
Check wording
teachers
show examples
 should teach them about
wrong and right
Correct word order
right and wrong
show examples
 from
such
Linking Words
 a young age to shape a good character.
Punishment
Use synonyms
 is
also
Linking Words
 necessary to teach them because by giving
Use synonyms
punishment
Punctuation problem
punishment,
show examples
 it will make
children
Use synonyms
 think and realise the mistake they
did
Verb problem
made
show examples
. Giving
punishment
Use synonyms
 to teach
children
Use synonyms
 is very effective because they will know that there
is a
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 consequences for everything they do. But the type of
punishment
Use synonyms
 that will be given to them must be harmless,
such
Linking Words
 as
sit
Wrong verb form
sitting
show examples
 on a chair or standing in the corner for 10 minutes
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they should think about their mistake and ask for forgiveness. Study
also
Linking Words
 shows that giving
children
Use synonyms
punishment
Use synonyms
 for their
wrong doing
Correct your spelling
wrongdoing
 will make them remember
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
not to do it again in the future, which could prevent
children
Use synonyms
 from doing wrong and make them think twice before doing an action.
Body paragraph 2
Next,
Linking Words
after giving a
punishment
Use synonyms
 to
children
Use synonyms
,
parents
Use synonyms
 or
Use synonyms
teacher
Check wording
teachers
show examples
 should educate them about good
behaviour
Use synonyms
 by communicating with themw,
punishment
Use synonyms
 is not just about making
children
Use synonyms
 scared to do bad things
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
 there is
need
Add an article
a need
show examples
 to be another outcome that
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
children
Use synonyms
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
 good
behaviour
Use synonyms
 and attitude.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
Teaching
Fix capitalization
teaching
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 about rights and
wrong
Check wording
wrongs
show examples
 is something
that is
Linking Words
 very important to shape a good character
,
Punctuation problem
. Teachers
show examples
teacher
Use synonyms
 and
parents
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 a big role in their developmental state. Legal guardian and
teacher
Use synonyms
 should educate them about good
behaviour
Use synonyms
 and giving
punishment
Use synonyms
 as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 result of their act is
also
Linking Words
 necessary
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 long as it is not something
harmfull
Correct your spelling
harmful
. In the
future
Add a comma
future,
show examples
 there will be more challenges for
parents
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
teacher
Check wording
teachers
show examples
 to teach
children
Use synonyms
 about good and bad since modern technology
keep
Correct subject-verb agreement
keeps
show examples
 growing.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more fully. You clearly say that children should learn right and wrong early, and that punishment can help. However, explain more clearly how far you agree. For example, say that punishment is only one part of teaching, and talk about praise, clear rules, and calm talks too.
task response
Give more support for your main ideas. The claim that studies show punishment works is not explained. Add a simple real example, such as a child who breaks a class rule, then learns why the rule matters and how to act next time.
task response
Be more exact about allowed punishment. Explain that it should be safe, short, fair, and linked to the bad act. Also state clearly that hitting, shouting, and making a child feel ashamed should not be used.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. To make the flow better, give each body part one main job. One part can explain why early teaching matters; the next can explain which punishments are safe and why.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. For example: “First,” “As a result,” “For this reason,” and “In addition.” Do not join very long ideas with only commas. Split them into two or three short sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words too often, such as “punishment,” “good behaviour,” and “wrong and right.” Use simple other words like “clear rules,” “bad acts,” “good acts,” and “this method.”
task response
You give a clear view from the start: children should learn right and wrong at a young age, and any punishment should not cause harm.
task response
You give useful safe examples, such as sitting quietly or standing in a corner for a short time.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body parts, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow your main message.
coherence and cohesion
Your second body part adds an important point: parents and teachers should talk with children, not only punish them.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: