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Writing Samples
Band 4

Today more and more tourist are visiting places where conditions difficult such as sahara deseret or the antartic .what are the benefits and disadvantages for tourist who visit such places?

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Introduction
today
Capitalize the word
Today
show examples
, more nd more people are interested
to visit
Change preposition
in visiting
show examples
places
Use synonyms
 with
condition
Correct word choice
difficult conditions
show examples
difficulties
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of
modern
Add an article
a modern
show examples
Punctuation problem
, well
show examples
well developed
Correct your spelling
well-developed
city
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, Saahara deseret has
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 the first place for
visiters'
Correct your spelling
visitors'
 hearts.
Then
Linking Words
, how does
this
Linking Words
 phoenomeo brings the pros and cons to the
tourists
Use synonyms
?
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, visiting
plaes
Correct your spelling
places
 with
Use synonyms
conditions
Correct word choice
difficult conditions
show examples
 diffculties can
widern
Correct your spelling
widen
citizens
Use synonyms
'
eyeside
Correct your spelling
eyes
. As a citizen, the area we stay in is simple. All the views we can see are just boring and repeated
skyscapers
Correct your spelling
skyscrapers
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
citizens
Use synonyms
 have
less
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
 chances to keep in touch with diverse views.
However
Linking Words
, visiting
place
Add an article
a place
show examples
 with
Use synonyms
conditions difficult
Correct word order
difficult conditions
show examples
 provides a chance for people to step out
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 comfort zone, which
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
 them to
forsee
Correct your spelling
foresee
 the world.
Thus
Linking Words
, they may gain happiness that cannt find in visiting
other
Correct determiner usage
another
show examples
city
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
Linking Words
,
tourists
Use synonyms
 have a deeper understanding of
nature
Use synonyms
, which
building
Wrong verb form
builds
show examples
 up the concept of
cherish
Wrong verb form
cherishing
show examples
 our world in
tourists
Use synonyms
'
mind
Check wording
minds
show examples
. As
citizens
Use synonyms
 are always
sucked
Wrong verb form
stuck
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
city
Add an article
the city
show examples
,
which
Correct pronoun usage
where
show examples
 they never play with grass and water, and they never know about
nature
Use synonyms
.
Citizens
Use synonyms
 can only know
nature
Use synonyms
 from books, news, or
picture
Check wording
pictures
show examples
, but never
nature
Use synonyms
 itself.
Thus
Linking Words
,
citizens
Use synonyms
 don't understand the actual processes and
nesscary
Correct your spelling
necessity
 of cherishing the Earth.
However
Linking Words
, by visiting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nature
Use synonyms
,
tourists
Use synonyms
 can
finally
Linking Words
 see the beauty of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nature
Use synonyms
, but
also
Linking Words
 the damage we bring to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nature
Use synonyms
, facing the problem of
desertifaction
Correct your spelling
desertification
,
disappear
Replace the word
disappearance
 of
forsert
Correct your spelling
forests
, and increasing temperature.
As a result
Linking Words
, the concept of protecting
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 and
nature
Use synonyms
 can be built up.
Body paragraph 3
However
Linking Words
, it may
also
Linking Words
 contain cons. One of the cons is that visiting
places
Use synonyms
 with
Use synonyms
conditions difficult
Correct word order
difficult conditions
show examples
 is more dangerous than
normal
Add an article
a normal
show examples
 trip. In
trip
Add an article
a trip
show examples
of visiting
Change preposition
to a
show examples
 normal
city
Use synonyms
,
although
Linking Words
toursit
Correct your spelling
tourists
 are in a totally different environment
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to their hometown, they are still in the system of a
city
Use synonyms
, having traffic, diet, place to live and the like,
which
Correct pronoun usage
where
show examples
 they can get help easily.
Instead
Linking Words
, visiting
palces
Correct your spelling
places
 with
Use synonyms
conditions difficult
Correct word order
difficult conditions
show examples
 are mainly less developed countries. They contains poor transport network, modern service and protection.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
Toursits
Correct your spelling
tourists
 may face more
difficulties
Use synonyms
 in their trip.
Conclusion
In conclusion, visiting
places
Use synonyms
 with
condition
Correct word choice
difficult conditions
show examples
difficulties
Use synonyms
 means
different
Correct pronoun usage
something different
show examples
.
Although
Linking Words
 it may give us
difficulties
Use synonyms
, it
also
Linking Words
 gives us values and memories we cannot find in other
places
Use synonyms
. It is
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 impressive experience in our life.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more even way. You explain the good points well, but the bad side has only one main point: danger. Add another clear bad point, such as high cost, health risks, or harm to the natural area.
task response
Make each main idea more direct. For example, say that these trips can give people new views and help them care more about nature. Then explain how this happens and give one real or clear example.
task response
Use examples that fit the place. The Sahara or Antarctica can be used to show heat, cold, lack of water, long travel, or the need for guides. This will make your ideas more real and strong.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two good paragraphs, one bad paragraph, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the links between ideas smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one short main sentence. Then give the reason, an example, and the result. This will help the reader follow your point.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat words such as “citizens”, “nature”, and “conditions difficult” too often. Use simple other words like people, tourists, wild places, and hard conditions.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and hard to follow. Break them into two or three short sentences. For example, explain city life first, then explain what tourists learn in nature.
task response
You give clear good points: people can see new places and may learn to care more about the Earth.
task response
You do answer the question about both benefits and disadvantages, and your ending gives a clear overall view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraph breaks. Each main paragraph has one main subject.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “To begin with”, “Moreover”, “However”, and “In conclusion” help show the order of your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • adventure tourism
  • ecosystem
  • endurance
  • logistical
  • biodiversity
  • sustainable
  • remote
  • extreme conditions
  • cultural heritage
  • off the beaten path
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