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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is suggested that everyone wants to own a car, a TV and a fridge. Do the disadvantages to society outweigh the advantages?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
The topic of suggesting that everyone wants to own durable
goods
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 has sparked considerable debate in recent years. Some
people
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 believe that having
own
Correct determiner usage
one's own
show examples
 durable
goods
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 has several
benefits
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 that will
eefect
Correct your spelling
affect
people
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`s lives,
while
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 others believe that the drawbacks exceed the
benefits
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.
This
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 essay will explore the advantages and disadvantages of
having own
Replace the word
owning
 durable
goods
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.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, one major benefit of having
own
Correct determiner usage
one's own
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 durable
goods
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,
such
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 as a car,a TV and a
fridge
Punctuation problem
fridge,
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 is that its make
people
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`s lives easier.
For instance
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, if a man wants to travel
another
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to another
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 city, he can travel by his car on short time.
However
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, having shared durable
goods
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 might cause conflict among
people
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. The main reason is that all members want to use the
goods
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. Another benefit of having durable
goods
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 is that
it
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they
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 can improve
standard
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the standard
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 of living.
For example
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, if a child
feel
Correct subject-verb agreement
feels
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 bored, he can watch
cartoon
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a cartoon
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from
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on
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 his TV.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, despite
havinf
Correct your spelling
having
 several
benefits
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 of
having own
Replace the word
owning
 durable
goods
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, there are many drawbacks as well.
First,
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it might affect
people
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 financially. The main reason is that all
goods
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 might
damage
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be damaged
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, so
that its
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they
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 need to be fixed.
In addition
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, it might increase the electricity bill, which leads to
drain
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a drain
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personal
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on personal
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 budget.
For instance
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, if a man
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 a lot of machines and
electricity
Replace the word
electrical
goods
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, he may not
able
Verb problem
be able
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 to
buy
Verb problem
pay
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 the electricity bill. Meanwhile, having
of
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apply
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durable
goods
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 might impact
on
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the
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 environment.
For instance
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, if many
people
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having
Wrong verb form
have
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 a huge number of durable
goods
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, the durable
goods
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 might cause environmental pollution.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 having own durable
goods
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offer
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offers
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 significant
benefits
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of
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to
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people
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`s lives, it is important to acknowledge the drawbacks,
such
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 as affecting
people
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 financially and causing environmental pollution.

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task response
Answer the main question more clearly. You list good and bad points, but you do not clearly say which side is stronger. In the last part, state if the bad points are greater than the good points, and explain why.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. For example, explain how more cars can cause road traffic, air pollution, and more public cost. Explain why these social problems may be greater than the help from private cars.
task response
Use examples that show effects on society, not only on one person. A child watching cartoons is personal, but the question asks about society. You could write about jobs, family life, public transport, waste, or air quality.
task response
Be careful with the idea of shared goods. The question is about everyone owning goods, so this point is not very close to the task. Replace it with a direct point about the results when all people own cars, TVs, and fridges.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first main part only about advantages and the second only about disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words to show the answer. For example: “One advantage is…”, “A more serious problem is…”, “As a result…”, and “For this reason, I believe…”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences stronger. After giving an example, add one sentence that explains how it proves your point. This will make each paragraph easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “having own durable goods” many times. Use simple other words, such as “owning these items”, “these goods”, or “these home and transport items”.
coherence and cohesion
Check basic sentence form. For example, write “it makes people’s lives easier”, “a child feels bored”, “a man has”, and “he may not be able to pay the electricity bill”.
task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides of owning a car, TV, and fridge.
task response
You give relevant ideas about easier travel, a better way of life, cost, and harm to the environment.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, main paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful link words, such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For instance”, and “To sum up”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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