IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today people live away from their friends and family to find a job in other cities. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
The topic of
people
Use synonyms
 who live
in a
Change preposition
apply
show examples
far
place
Check wording
apply
show examples
from their family and
friends
Use synonyms
 to get a
job
Use synonyms
 has sparked considerable debate in recent years. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that living away from family and
friends
Use synonyms
 to find a
job
Use synonyms
 has several
benefits
Use synonyms
 that will affect
people
Use synonyms
`s lives,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that the drawbacks exceed the
benefits
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explore the advantages and disadvantages of living away from family and
friends
Use synonyms
 to find a
job
Use synonyms
 in other
cities
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, one major
Use synonyms
benefits
Check wording
benefit
show examples
 of living away from family and
friends
Use synonyms
 to get a
job
Use synonyms
 in other
cities
Use synonyms
 is that assist
people
Use synonyms
in depending
Wrong verb form
to depend
show examples
 on themselves. The main reason is that there are many adults and old
people
Use synonyms
 do not
have
Verb problem
apply
show examples
responsible for daily activities, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
when they live alone, they must do their daily activities.
For instance
Linking Words
, if a girl lives alone in a far site from his family, she will be responsible for herself, and must clean her apartment alone. Meanwhile, many individuals prefer to live alone. The main reason is that they can work in a calm atmosphere.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, despite having several
benefits
Use synonyms
 of living away from family and
friends
Use synonyms
 to get a
job
Use synonyms
 in other
cities
Use synonyms
, there are many drawbacks as well.
First,
Linking Words
many individuals might suffer from depression because they live alone.
In addition
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 might be
on
Change preposition
under
show examples
 pressure. The main reason is that they must do all things alone.
For example
Linking Words
, if a man works twelve hours, he will be exhausted and
be on
Change preposition
under
show examples
 pressure because he does not have much time to do his daily activities,
such
Linking Words
 as cleaning, cooking, and washing.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 living away from family and
friends
Use synonyms
 to find a
job
Use synonyms
 in other
cities
Use synonyms
 offers significant
benefits
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
people
Use synonyms
`s lives, it is important to acknowledge the drawbacks,
such
Linking Words
 as suffering from depression and being
on
Change preposition
under
show examples
 pressure.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Give a clear answer in the first paragraph: say if the good points are more important than the bad points. Your last paragraph should repeat this answer. At present, you list both sides, but you do not decide which side is stronger.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain how living alone can help people grow, and explain why this may or may not be more important than stress and feeling sad.
task response
Use examples that fit the job topic. For example, a young worker may move to a city because it has better jobs and pay, then learn to manage money and time. This is stronger than only saying that she cleans her flat.
task response
Avoid ideas that are too broad or not clear, such as old people not having responsibility for daily work. Keep your points close to people who move cities for work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: opening, good points, bad points, and ending. Keep this clear shape.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph focus on one main point. In the first body paragraph, self-reliance and a calm place to work are different ideas. Either explain their link clearly or put them in separate paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “For example”, “As a result”, and “However” should show a clear link between the two sentences. Do not repeat “The main reason is” many times.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear words to name people and ideas. For example, write “a girl lives far from her family” rather than “in a far site from his family”. This will make the reader follow your meaning more easily.
task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides of moving away for work, and you include examples for both sides.
task response
Your points about becoming more independent, feeling lonely, and having too much work at home are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it uses separate paragraphs for the two sides and has an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “To sum up”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • opportunities
  • financial stability
  • personal growth
  • emotional distance
  • support network
  • missing out on
  • important moments
  • manage effectively
What to do next:
Look at other essays: