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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that the best way to increase road safety is to increase the minimum legal age of driving motorbikes or cars. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Certain
people
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 think that increasing the
age
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 required for driving vehicles is the best way to ensure
road
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safety
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.
Although
Linking Words
people
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beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that young drivers are the reason for most accidents, because of their energetic and
risk taking
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risk-taking
 personalities, I believe that with adequate supervision and stricter traffic laws can make
much
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a much
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 more difference in increasing safe driving practices.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, many
people
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 think that young drivers are qualified
enough
Punctuation problem
enough,
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 as they lack experience and maturity. Young kids might find it fun or thrilling to speed on roads and break traffic rules.
Moreover
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, they are assumed to be irresponsible because of their
age
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 group.
For example
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,
people
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 believe that young
people
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 go to parties and clubs a lot, after which they drive back home intoxicated. Which can lead to accidents,
due to
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 loss of motor coordination, blurred sense of judgement on
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road
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the road
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.
Body paragraph 2
I believe that
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age
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the age
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 factor has nothing to do with
offenses
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offences
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 like drink and drive or breaking traffic rules.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, newly
lisenced
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licensed
 drivers are far more careful and vigilant of their surroundings
while
Linking Words
 driving. They have
sharper
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a sharper
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 sense than any other
age
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 group, and are more careful about their intoxication threshold. Most of them
take
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apply
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prefer public
transports
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transport
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 in
such
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 situations. To ensure
road
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safety
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,
government
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the government
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 can enforce stricter
road
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safety
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 rules, speed cameras, random alcohol checks and heavier fines.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
Restricting
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restricting
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 the qualifying
age
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 for driving may help, but it should be the
last
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 suggestion to be considered as
a
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apply
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part of
wider
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a wider
show examples
road
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safety
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 strategy.

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task response
State your view more directly in the first paragraph. Say clearly that you partly agree, or that you disagree, and keep this view the same in the whole essay.
task response
Develop the main idea more fully. Explain why more checks, better training, and stronger rules may work better than a higher driving age. Add one clear real-life example for these ideas.
task response
Be careful with claims about young people. The point that new drivers are more careful than every other group is too wide and is not shown with proof. Use softer words such as “may” or “in some cases”.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: an opening, two main parts, and an ending. Keep each body paragraph focused on one main point, then explain it and give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Link some ideas more smoothly. For example, the sentence starting with “Which can lead to accidents” should join the sentence before it, not stand alone.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words with care: “However”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “Therefore”. This will make the change from one idea to the next easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the final paragraph match your main view. If raising the age is not the best way, say it is only one small part of a wider plan, then name the more important parts.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear view that road safety needs more than a higher driving age.
task response
You include useful ways to improve safety, such as speed cameras, alcohol checks, and fines.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an opening, body paragraphs, and a final paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “To begin with”, “Moreover”, “On the contrary”, and “In conclusion” helps show the order of your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • minimum legal age
  • road safety
  • young motorists
  • lack of maturity
  • driving experience
  • risk-taking behaviour
  • reckless driving
  • graduated licensing system
  • compulsory driver training
  • practical driving test
  • strict traffic enforcement
  • speed cameras
  • drink-driving checks
  • distracted driving
  • road safety campaign
  • heavier penalties
  • safer road design
  • reduce accident rates
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