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Band 4.5

the tradition that family gets together to eat meals is disappearing what are the reasons what are the impacts on families and societies

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Introduction
One of the best traditions that every family used to
it
Verb problem
have
show examples
 is when they eat all together every meal specially dinner .
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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 nowadays
this
Linking Words
 tradition is disappearing for many causes and it leads to many consequences.
Body paragraph 1
The modern world we
living
Wrong verb form
live
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 in now is fast
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
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 to the past
Punctuation problem
. People
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people
Use synonyms
 get one to two jobs because of the economy currently
,
Punctuation problem
. For
show examples
for
Linking Words
instance
Punctuation problem
instance,
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 if the mother does not work
the
Punctuation problem
, the
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 father should do the day and night shifts to provide for his family
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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others
Punctuation problem
others,
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 both
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents,
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 should work sometimes.
Moreover
Linking Words
 some families their young children does not live with them they always prefere more freedome and choose distance from their parents , in the other hand there is lot of
people
Use synonyms
 who can not eat without using their phones
that is
Linking Words
 what we call 'IPAD KID' or watching something
for example
Linking Words
 a movie or scrolling on social media they prefere staying alone enjoying their meal
that is
Linking Words
 one of the negative effects of technology.
Body paragraph 2
That leads to many problems in the famillies because the family will lose the connextion between their mumbers , futhermore societies can not have strong communities
for instance
Linking Words
 if something happened or someone need help from
people
Use synonyms
 as long as they are not even meeting their own faillies they will never feel the humanity to help others in the other hand that can be helpful only for the economy as i mentioned before because all
people
Use synonyms
 with different ages are working , but societies can lose the power of community anf humanity.
Conclusion
In conclusion ,
famillies
Correct your spelling
families
 need some time together to
fzzl
Correct your spelling
fizzle
 the chemistry and as
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 mentioned before
thta
Correct your spelling
that
 can help for more connection even in the societies.

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task response
You answer both parts: why family meals are less common, and how this can affect families and society. To make your answer stronger, give each main reason and each impact its own clear explanation.
task response
Your reasons are useful: long work hours, children living away, and phone use. Add one clear example for each reason. For example, explain how night work can stop parents and children from being home at the same time.
task response
Your ideas about family connection and community are good. Explain the link more clearly: regular meals help people talk, share problems, and know what is happening in each other's lives.
task response
Be careful with the point about the economy. You say more work may help the economy, but you do not explain it enough. It may be better to focus on the main negative effects, or explain this point with a full example.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, main body, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the two body parts clearer: one paragraph for reasons and one paragraph for impacts.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words to show the order of your ideas: First, Another reason, As a result, For example, and Finally. This will help the reader follow your points.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and contain many ideas. Break them into shorter sentences. This will make your meaning clearer and easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words such as 'in the other hand' and 'as I mentioned before.' Use 'On the other hand' only when you show a different idea. Do not refer back to an idea unless it is needed.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each example comes directly after the point it supports. For example, after saying that phones stop family talk, explain that people may look at screens instead of asking about each other's day.
task response
You give several real and relevant reasons for the loss of family meals, especially work pressure and phone use.
task response
You understand that this change can affect both close family ties and life in the wider community.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and your conclusion returns to the main message.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as 'However,' 'Moreover,' 'for instance,' and 'In conclusion.'
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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