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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many museums cahrge for admission while others are free. do you think the advantages of gharginf people for admissions to museums outweigh disadvantages?

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Introduction
Today,
Traditonal
Correct your spelling
traditional
 galleries are particular places for showcasing culture and history. There are some
institutions
Use synonyms
 which offer free visits
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 some others charge a fee for the whole tour. I firmly believe that
such
Linking Words
 buildings should not have any charges and
anyone
Correct word choice
that anyone
show examples
 should be allowed to visit.
Body paragraph 1
A nation's base gets stronger with the exploration of history, and these areas act as the centre of historical heritage and traditions. As it is seen
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 that
trend
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the trend
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 of learning old traditions is declining nowadays, so that if
such
Linking Words
institutions
Use synonyms
 tend to charge a higher amount,
then
Linking Words
 people are likely to quit gaining knowledge by visiting
such
Linking Words
history-rich
Add an article
a history-rich
show examples
 corner.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, people who go to galleries are probably more likely to have greater patriotism and a clearer sense of purpose for their country.
For Instance
Linking Words
, a child gets a chance to visit historical buildings, automatically his motivation boosts , and he directs himself to serve his country wholeheartedly after reading stories of national heroes. So that there would be no charges for visiting
such
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 learning
institutions
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Additionally
Linking Words
, country members are more likely to gain trust on govrenment after realising that their taxes are used in a proper way.
For example
Linking Words
, going to national borders and cultural bodies,
public
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the public
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assume
Correct subject-verb agreement
assumes
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 that our cultural practices and historical guidelines are safe here and our government is doing a good job by maintaining these sites extremely well. The feeling of compassion and love towards their homeland and state ultimately increases.
Therefore
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, it is necessary that there would be minimal or no fee to visiting goverment owned
institutions
Use synonyms
specificaly
Correct your spelling
specifically
, the museums.
Conclusion
Having said that, I would like
to conclude
Linking Words
 by saying if the government wants to educate people about their background stories, national heroes and heritage, it must promote visiting cultural
instituitions
Correct your spelling
institutions
 that should be 100 % free of cost.

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task response
You give a clear view: museums should be free. However, the question asks if the good points of charging are greater than the bad points. You need to discuss both sides before you decide. Add one main point for charging, such as money for repairs, staff, safety, and new shows.
task response
Explain why free entry is better than the money museums may get from tickets. For example, say that public money can pay for key costs, while free entry lets more children and low-income families learn about history.
task response
Your examples are linked to history and love for the country, but some claims are too strong. A museum visit may help a child learn, but it will not always make the child serve the country. Use more careful language, such as “may” or “can”.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear opening, two body parts, and an ending. But the second body part repeats the first idea about trust, love for the country, and free entry. Use the second part for a new point, such as equal access for all people.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow a simple plan: main idea, reason, example, and short link back to the question. This will make your points easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more exact way. “For instance” is useful before an example, but “so that” is often not right in your sentences. Try “therefore”, “as a result”, or “for this reason” when you give a result.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two or three short sentences. This will make the meaning clearer and reduce grammar errors.
task response
Your opinion is clear from the start and stays the same throughout the essay.
task response
You use ideas about history, culture, children, and public money. These are relevant to museums and free entry.
coherence and cohesion
There is a clear basic essay shape: an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use examples to support your ideas, especially the example about a child visiting a historical place.
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