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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health issue. Give the reasons for this problem and give solutions to help fix it.

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
Society has undergone many changes, and that includes the eating habits of children. Many children today suffer from
obesity
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.
This
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 is a serious, worldwide
problem
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.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons for
this
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problem
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 and give solutions to help fix it.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand , there are several causes of
obesity
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 .
First,
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genetics can be strongly linked to
obesity
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 . It can affect the metabolic rate .
Also
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, it can affect fat storage.
Second,
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some bad habits can result in
obesity
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.
For example
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, binge eating and night eating syndrome are two faces of the same coin. Uncontrolled eating of saturated fat , sugar and processed food can
end up with
Verb problem
lead to
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 being overweight.
Finally
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, lack of exercise
also
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 leads to
obesity
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 . Children spend most of their time watching movies and playing video games. Somehow, these habits increase the appetite and decrease metabolism .
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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 , for every
problem
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 there is a reason and a solution.
First,
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diet should be considered as an amazing solution. Deititians can make a special formula to suit every case.
Also
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,a full body assessment and measurement should be done to calculate the body mass index.
Second,
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excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 provides the body with strength. Some sports,
such
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 as swimming, climbing and
running
Punctuation problem
running,
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 are easy to start with.
Finally
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, lifestyle modification is the only way to reduce
obesity
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 . Healthy food, night sleep and exercise are the only modes of weight reduction .
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that there are multiple reasons responsible for child
obesity
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.
However
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, there are several strategies and solutions to solve
this
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problem
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.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: reasons and ways to help. To make your answer stronger, explain each main point more fully. For example, show how too much screen time can lead to less movement and weight gain.
task response
Some ideas are too general. Give more clear child-based examples, such as school meals, family meals, safe parks, and limits on phone or game time.
task response
Keep the focus on children. Parts about diet plans, body checks, and weight loss sound more like help for adults. Explain what parents, schools, and governments can do for children.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Do not use “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” here. These are often used to show two different views. Use “There are several reasons” and “There are several ways to solve this problem” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas inside each paragraph more clearly. For example: “As a result, children use less energy, so they may gain weight.” This shows the cause and result.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph. In the solutions part, you could use one paragraph about food at home and school, and one about exercise and less screen time.
task response
You deal with the full question and give several causes, including food habits, little exercise, and time spent on games or films.
task response
Your solutions are linked to the problem. Healthier food and more sport are useful and relevant ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the conclusion brings the main ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “First,” “Second,” and “Finally” help the reader see the order of your points.
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