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Writing Samples
Band 5

SOME PEOPLE FEEL THAT MANUFACTURER and supermarket have the responsibility to reduce the amount of packaging of goods. Others argue that customers should avoid buying goods with alot of packaging. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Introduction
Many people these days
depate
Use the right word
debate
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 over whether the responsibility of decreasing the amount of packaged produce falls on the manufacturers and stores or the consumers. One side opines that since producers are the ones controlling the packaging process, they should be the ones to come up with solutions to these problems,
while
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 others think the total opposite.
Although
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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both sides have strong evidence to support their sides, I believe the sole liability is on the manufacturers and vendors.
Body paragraph 1
According to
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 some people, excessive packaging of merchandise results in landfills that pollute the environment deeply
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 to reduce
this
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 impact
consumers
Punctuation problem
, consumers
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 must rely on more eco-friendly products. Considering a huge part of the production of plastic wrapped items on our store shelves are demands of the buyer audience, diminishing requests will have outcomes like more environmentally friendly designs.
For example
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, in 2016, the news of plastic straws choking sea animals, mainly tortoises, resulted in the population
to use
Wrong verb form
using
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 bamboo or paper ones to reduce the impact.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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this
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 is a long process
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 with the rise in hyperconsumerism and aggressive marketing, it is almost impossible to avoid
by
Change preposition
for
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 most buyers.
That is
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 why
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 retailers should make replacements of already existing products with sustainable options.
Also
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, if they don't take action now, in the future, the depletion of natural resources will make it unfeasible to package merchandise
Conclusion
To conclude
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,
while
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 consumers can exert influence on packaging practices through their preferences, I firmly believe that manufacturers and supermarkets should bear the primary responsibility, given their greater capacity to eliminate excessive packaging and foster nature-friendly consumption.

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task response
You discuss both views and give a clear opinion. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why companies should lead the change. For example, say that they choose the materials, design the packs, and can change many goods at one time.
task response
The consumer view needs a more direct example. The straw example is about people using other straws, not about buyers avoiding goods with too much packaging. Use an example such as shoppers choosing loose fruit instead of fruit in plastic packs.
task response
Be careful with very strong claims such as “the sole liability is on the manufacturers and vendors.” The question asks about both groups. Your final view is better because it says companies have the primary responsibility, while buyers can still have some influence.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one view, your view, and conclusion. Keep this structure, but make the second main paragraph longer so both views get similar attention.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas clearer. In the first body paragraph, say first that buyers can change demand, then explain how lower demand can push stores and makers to use less packaging.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words with clear meaning. “However” works well for a new view. “Also” can add a point. Avoid unclear links such as “That is why” when the idea before it does not fully lead to the next sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some word groups make the meaning less clear. For example, change “the population to use bamboo or paper ones” to “many people started to use bamboo or paper straws.” Clear, direct sentences help the reader follow your ideas.
task response
You answer every part of the question: you present both views and clearly state your own view.
task response
Your conclusion clearly repeats your main position and gives a reason: companies have more power to reduce unnecessary packaging.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction gives the topic, both sides, and your position, so the reader knows what to expect.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraph breaks are clear, and the conclusion is easy to find.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Sustainability
  • Eco-friendly
  • Biodegradable
  • Recyclable
  • Packaging reduction
  • Environmental footprint
  • Green initiatives
  • Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR)
  • Over-packaging
  • Waste minimization
  • Consumer activism
  • Conscious consumption
  • Environmental stewardship
  • Carbon footprint
  • Sustainable practices
  • Regulatory compliance
  • Resource conservation
  • Minimalist lifestyle
  • Sustainable materials
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