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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that protecting the environment is the government ‘s responsibility. Others believe that every individual should take responsibility for it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Introduction
Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that policymakers are responsiable to protect the environment. Others think it is
public's
Add an article
the public's
show examples
 responsibility. For me, some
people
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 may not have a legal
right
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 over others who harm our atmosphere with their actions in their
properties
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, but
governments
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 responsible
to prevent
Change preposition
for preventing
show examples
 those
people
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
people
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 may not have a legal
right
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 over others who cut
trees
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 in their
properties
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, but policymakers do have
this
Linking Words
right
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.
Trees
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 can have a positive impact on our environment with their ability to absorb CO2 from the atmosphere.
However
Linking Words
, there are businesses and land owners
can
Correct pronoun usage
who can
show examples
 cut them, especially if
trees
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 are
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
properties
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. The problem can arise from
this
Linking Words
 point to decrease
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trees
Check wording
the number of trees
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 in some cities.
Additionally
Linking Words
, with
this
Linking Words
,
climate change impact
Correct word order
the impact of climate change
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 can increase because
the
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of the
show examples
 lack of
trees
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
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 would not have a legal
right
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 to prevent those
people
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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if
Change preposition
from using
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 these
trees
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 were
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
properties
Use synonyms
. The solution to
this
Linking Words
 problem is
governments
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' responsiblity to impose taxes on those
people
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.
As a result
Linking Words
, they would not harm any
trees
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even
Rephrase
at all
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.
if
Capitalize the word
If
show examples
 they were in their
properties
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, parents are responsible
to teach
Change preposition
for teaching
show examples
 their
children
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 how to treat the environment in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
right
Use synonyms
 way. Sometimes, there are
children
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 can throw their waste unkowing about a consequence of
this
Linking Words
 on our
streets
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.
As a result
Linking Words
,
streets
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 may not look good because
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 random trash in them. Especially, places that do not have workers to clean
these
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 trash. So, the protection of these
streets
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 can be a
responsbility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 of
people
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 to teach their
children
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 to throw their waste in
Use synonyms
right
Add an article
the right
show examples
 places.
This
Linking Words
 would make
streets
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 clean even without cleaning workers, if
children
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 knew the
right
Use synonyms
 places for trash from an early age.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the protection of
trees
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 in private
properties
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 is
governments
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' resposibility, because these can absorb CO2 from our atmosphere. So,
governments
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 must prevent
people
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 from cutting them.

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task response
Discuss both views in a more equal way. Explain why the government should act, and also why each person should act. Then state your own view clearly and keep it the same in the whole essay.
task response
Your main ideas are good, but they need more detail. For example, explain how laws, fines, and public services can cut harm to the environment. Also explain how people can save water, use less plastic, and sort waste.
task response
Use examples that fit the full topic. The tree example is useful, but it is too narrow for most of the essay. Add one more clear example for each side.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. This is a good shape. However, the end only talks about the government view. It should sum up both views and your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph follow one simple order: main idea, reason, example, result. Some sentences now repeat the same point about trees or rights.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a clear way, such as “For example”, “Therefore”, “In contrast”, and “As a result”. Do not use “Additionally”, “Moreover”, and “As a result” too often in one paragraph.
language
Check basic word forms and agreement. For example, write “policymakers are responsible”, “the public’s responsibility”, “governments are responsible”, and “people can cut trees”.
language
Write shorter, clearer sentences. For example: “People cannot stop landowners from cutting trees on private land. However, governments can make laws to protect them.”
task response
You give a clear main view: the government should stop harm that people cannot stop by themselves.
task response
The examples of cutting trees and children throwing waste are relevant to environmental care.
coherence and cohesion
You use separate paragraphs for the two views, so the reader can follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful links, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • protect the environment
  • take responsibility
  • public transport
  • make laws
  • big companies
  • clean energy
  • waste system
  • reduce pollution
  • daily actions
  • save water
  • use less plastic
  • recycle waste
  • green habits
  • public support
  • national policy
  • carry the main burden
  • power and resources
  • follow rules
  • factory pollution
  • shared responsibility
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