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Band 5.5

Movies and computer games containing violence are popular. Some people say that they have a negative effect on society and should be considered. Others say they are just harmless relaxation. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
As we live in a developed era,
movies
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 and computer games have already developed. Some think that they have a number of disadvantages,
while
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 others believe that it is a way of relaxation. I totally believe
with
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in
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 the first idea because violent
content
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 may encourage
people
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 to become aggressive and
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influence the attitudes of youngsters.
Body paragraph 1
​On the one hand, violent games and
movies
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 could bring a lot of pros to society by influencing individuals' characters. First of all, they help
people
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 relieved from their daily stresses and escape from daily pressure. If they find themselves feeling terrible
while
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 working in an office, they would just go to the cinema in order to watch some horrible films that can give a fresh rush of adrenaline.
Secondly
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, fictional violent
movies
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 do not necessarily make
people
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 violent in real life. They just give a sense of relaxation.
For example
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, in Korea, teenagers used to watch violent
movies
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, but research shows that the 90% of these youths do not exactly use the skills that were gained from
movies
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.
Body paragraph 2
​
On the other hand
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, continuous exposure to violent contents have
also
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 some unbelievable disadvantages.
To begin
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 with, repeated exposure to violence may normalise aggressive behaviour. Especially, young
people
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 tend to lie about the
movies
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, and it would change their behaviour, and
then
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 their outlook
also
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 will change somehow in later life.
Additionally
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, violent
content
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 can influence adults' attitudes and emotional development. It would bring a dilemma because they do not know which situation is true. That's why
,
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 it influence to their emotions.
Conclusion
​In conclusion, I totally believe that violent
content
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 and games have a lot of disadvantages
on
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for
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 society.
However
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, I think the government should take the responsibility of restricting violent
content
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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why violent films and games may harm people, and show how this harm can happen in real life.
task response
Some ideas are not clear. For example, “young people tend to lie about the movies” does not clearly support your point. Use direct ideas, such as copying bad acts, becoming less shocked by violence, or having fear.
task response
Your example about teenagers in Korea is useful, but it needs more detail. Say who did the research, what was watched, and how the result supports the idea that such content can be a way to relax.
task response
Your final view is clear, but the last sentence is not finished. End with a full statement about what the government, parents, and film or game makers should do.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: an opening, one paragraph for each view, and an ending. Keep this shape, but make the main idea of each paragraph more direct in its first sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words such as “First of all”, “Secondly”, “For example”, and “Additionally” help, but some sentences do not connect well. Make sure each sentence explains the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “violent content”, “movies”, and “relaxation” too often. You can also use “such media”, “these films”, “these games”, or “this kind of content” to make the writing flow better.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear idea in each sentence. A few sentences contain several ideas and become hard to follow. Shorter sentences will make your meaning clearer.
task response
You answer all parts of the question by presenting both views and clearly stating your own opinion.
task response
You give reasons for each side, including stress relief on one side and changes in behaviour on the other.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” makes the two views easy to find.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion show the reader your main view from the start to the end.
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