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Band 4.5

It is inevitable that as technology advances, traditional cultures will be lost. It seems that we cannot have these two things together. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is unavoidable that as technological improvement
is increasing
Wrong verb form
increases
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as
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as,
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 traditional culture will be lost. It looks like both cannot exist together. I partly disagree with
this
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 statement, because technological
devices
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 able to give
people
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information
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 about other
cultures
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. So,
people
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 who own these
devices
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 would know about other
cultures
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 through these
devices
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.
While
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,
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apply
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this
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 can be true in minor extent, because some
people
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through their
Correct word order
use technological devices to connect with
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connection
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 to other
ways
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 of dressing by technological
devices
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.
This
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make
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makes
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 some new generation
abondon
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abandon
 their traditional
ways
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 of dressing.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, some younger
people
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 can
abondon
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abandon
 their traditional
clothe
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clothes
, because they see other
ways
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 through technological
devices
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. Many
people
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 can have mobile phones with
the
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apply
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internet
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connection
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connections
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these days.
This
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 enables them to see foreign
ways
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 of dressing
various
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different
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 from their own
one
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apply
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. It is unavoidable that there are some
countries
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are
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apply
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known
with
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for
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 their
clothe
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clothes
, so others may identify them from a crowd.
For example
Linking Words
, Saudi Arabia
is that have
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has
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 special
clothe
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clothes
 for women and men. The problem can arise from changing these
clothe
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clothes
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 when young
people
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 are able to see others'
ways
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 of dressing through the
internet
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. So, these young generations may be able to dress like others.
Then
Linking Words
, if older generations passed away after years, they would forget their traditional dress.
Lastly
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, if
this
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predection
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prediction
 happened, there would not be any traditional
clothe
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clothes
 anymore among
people
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.
As a result
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, identities can be lost
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 all
people
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 from different
countries
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 can dress in the same way.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
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people
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people's
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connection
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 to the
internet
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 can give them knowledge about other
cultures
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. Many
people
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 may not be able to travel to other
countries
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, because
their
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of their
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low-incomes
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low incomes
.
This
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 inevitable that travelling is one of the
ways
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 that can give
people
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 knowledge about other
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people
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people's
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cultures
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. So,
is
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can this
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this
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 can be lost for
people
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 who are not able to travel ?. Fortunately, it is not when those
people
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may
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apply
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have mobile phones
are
Correct pronoun usage
that are
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 connected to the
internet
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.
Then
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, they can be able to know from
countries
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'
information
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, photos and pages on the
internet
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 about their
cultures
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 through the
internet
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.
This
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 would make
people
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 know
Egyption
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Egyptian artefacts
artifacts
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, if they
seen
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have seen
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 them in
The biritsh musuems
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the British Museums
.
While
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,
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apply
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 if they did not know
knowledge
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anything
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 about other
countries
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, they would not know which
countries
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 that
artifacts
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 belong anywhere.
As a result
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, the identities of
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artifacts
Change the spelling
artefacts
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 that belong to different
cultures
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 in foreign places can be saved.
This
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 is because
people
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 have
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connection
Add an article
a connection
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 to the
internet
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 and
this
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give
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gives
show examples
 them
information
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 about them.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I partly disagree, because
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people
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people's
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connection
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 to the
internet
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 can give them
information
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 about other
culture
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cultures
show examples
 and where they belong exactly
regardless
Punctuation problem
, regardless
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 of their
low-income
Correct your spelling
low income
. So, they would be able to know where any
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artifacts
Change the spelling
artefacts
show examples
 belong anywhere
out
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outside
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 of their original
countries
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.
This
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 can save the original
country
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country's
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 identity and
right
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rights
show examples
.
when if
Correct word choice
If
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 those
people
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 did not know through their phones, they
easily
Verb problem
would easily
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 be informed in a wrong way about
these
Correct determiner usage
the
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artifacts
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'
information
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.
Change preposition
on these artefacts.
show examples

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task response
Your main view is clear: you partly disagree. However, explain more clearly how technology can help keep culture, not only teach people about other cultures. Add a strong example, such as online videos, museum sites, or family groups that share old songs, food, and dress.
task response
The first main point says that young people may stop wearing old clothes. This is relevant, but it is only one part of culture. You could also discuss language, music, food, art, and family events.
task response
Some ideas do not fully support your view. The part about Egyptian objects in a British museum is not closely linked to the loss of traditional culture. Use space for a clearer point about how people use the internet to keep and pass on their own culture.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one side, the other side, and conclusion. Keep this shape, but make each body paragraph begin with one short, clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. You often use “So”, “Then”, and “As a result”. Try a simple pattern: main idea, reason, example, result. This will make the flow easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words and ideas, such as “through the internet” and “traditional clothes”. Use simple other words when you can, for example “online”, “old dress”, or “local dress”.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and hard to follow. Make them shorter. For example: “Young people see foreign fashion online. Some may prefer it to local dress. Over time, fewer people may wear traditional clothes.”
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view from the start.
task response
The example of traditional Saudi dress is clear and helps show how online fashion may affect local customs.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphs well, and your conclusion returns to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
You try to show links between ideas with words such as “For example”, “On the one hand”, and “As a result”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • inevitable
  • advancement
  • globalization
  • dilutes
  • traditional cultures
  • social media
  • blending of cultures
  • preservation
  • platforms
  • adaptability
  • technological adaptations
  • uphold
  • consequence
  • integrate
  • cultural frameworks
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