IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people thing that the best way to reduce time spent in traveling to work is to replace gardens and park close to the city center with apartments and building for the commuters, other disagree. Discuss both the views and give your opinion

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is an
arguement
Correct your spelling
argument
 where one
argue
Correct subject-verb agreement
argues
show examples
 that
gardens
Use synonyms
 and
parks
Use synonyms
 should be replaced with city housing near
city
Add an article
the city
show examples
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 to reduce the travelling
time
Use synonyms
 for
communters
Correct your spelling
commuters
, and
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 disagree.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both the views ,but
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 strongly disagree
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the statement as it will affect mental and environmental
health
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, replacing the
parks
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 and
gardens
Use synonyms
 with
apartment
Check wording
apartments
show examples
 will
foresure
Correct your spelling
surely
 reduce
Use synonyms
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
 required for work and back
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will provide opportunities for office workers to focus on other
aspect
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aspects
show examples
 of life
like
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, like
show examples
socializing
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socialising
show examples
, focusing on
health
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, other job opportunities and many more.
For example
Linking Words
, a person working in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 city
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 of
London
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 and staying outside
London
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
he spent
Wrong verb form
spends
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 2-3 hours
everyday
Replace the word
every day
 on
train
Add an article
the train
show examples
 for work
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 makes him tired and
stay
Verb problem
keeps him
show examples
 away from friends and family back home.
Body paragraph 2
Importantly, replacing
gardens
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 and
park
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parks
show examples
 will affect
environment
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the environment
show examples
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will eventually affect us in future.
Also
Linking Words
,
gardens
Use synonyms
 and
parks
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 are really important in big cities for people
leaving
Verb problem
living
show examples
 or working nearby to
socialize
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socialise
show examples
 and relax from stress
back
Rephrase
apply
show examples
from work or everyday life events.
For example
Linking Words
,
me and my friend
Correct word order
my friend and I
show examples
 went to
London
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 for vacation for a week from
scotland
Capitalize the proper name
Scotland
show examples
 and were amazed by
choas
Correct your spelling
chaos
 and fast life there, luckily there
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
parks
Use synonyms
 like Hydie park which provides people of
London
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
with a chance to
show examples
 spend
time
Use synonyms
 out from everyday to relax with friends and family
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will support
commuters
Check wording
commuters'
show examples
 mental
health
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. And, preserving these
parks
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 will help
from
Verb problem
protect them from
show examples
 environmental hazards.
Conclusion
In conclusion, replacing
parks
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 and
gardens
Use synonyms
 with human
settlement
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settlements
show examples
 may be beneficial for
short
Add an article
a short
show examples
 span of
time
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, but preserving them will help
commuters
Check wording
commuters'
show examples
 mental and
evironmental
Correct your spelling
environmental
health
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 agree.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why new homes near work may help, and why parks should still be kept. Add one clear idea about other ways to cut travel time, such as better trains or more homes on unused land.
task response
Your main view is clear: parks and gardens are good for people and the environment. Develop the environmental point with a direct link: trees can cool the city, clean the air, and give space for rain water.
task response
Your examples are linked to the topic, but the London example is too personal and has some unclear parts. Use a more general example, such as office workers using a park at lunch time or after work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: an opening, one paragraph for each side, and an ending. Make each body paragraph start with one direct main idea, then explain it, then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and join too many ideas. Split them into shorter sentences. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. For example, use “On the one hand” for the case for new homes, “On the other hand” for the case for parks, and “Therefore” before your final view.
coherence and cohesion
Keep key words the same. Use “commuters” or “office workers” rather than changing between “people”, “person”, and “human settlement” when you mean the same group.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show the case for homes near the city centre, the case for parks, and your own view.
task response
The idea that less travel can give workers more time for family, friends, and health is useful and on topic.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will do, and the ending clearly returns to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraphs are used well to separate the two sides of the discussion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • commute time
  • traffic congestion
  • pollution reduction
  • urban areas
  • proximity
  • work-life balance
  • recreational areas
  • air quality
  • biodiversity
  • aesthetic
  • livability
  • mental health benefits
  • accessible green spaces
  • public transportation infrastructure
  • remote work
  • urban redesign
What to do next:
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