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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some believe that tackling environmental issues should be managed by a global organization instead of being handled individually by national governments. Do you agree or disagree with this belief?

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Introduction
It is said
some
Correct word choice
that some
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 people believe that solving environmental problems should be managed by a global
organization
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organisation
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,
while
Linking Words
 others think that it should be a national government's responsibility. I agree more with the former that global
Use synonyms
organizations
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organisations
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 should be mainly responsible for these issues.
Body paragraph 1
In my opinion,
to solve
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solving
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 the ecological concerns requires the cooperation of people all around the world.
Due to
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 the fact that environmental crises are made up
from
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of
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 every single region, but sometimes it occurs only in unspecified locations.
For example
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, extreme weather causes flooding in the Sahara
deserts
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Desert
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. It is hard to assume that only the
countries
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 that are affected should be the ones tackling it, as the extreme weather
caused
Verb problem
is caused
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 by multiple nations. In
the
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apply
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other
word
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words
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, working together can create monumental change.
Therefore
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, the global
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organizations
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organisations
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 have the authority to regulate the policy for addressing these issues
so
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, so
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 it should be a primary duty for them.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are still limitations
through
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to
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 these actions. Some developing
countries
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 seem to have difficulty
on
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with
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 financial aspects to comply with the policy, leading to major dependence on developed
countries
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.
Moreover
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, there is a gap
of
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in
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 the methods or strategies that are more efficient and practical in high-income
countries
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, despite the same policy.
Consequently
Linking Words
, global
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organizations
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organisations
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 should be the ones who manage the budget and advocate
some
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for some
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 of them as well.
In addition
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 to
this
Linking Words
is
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apply
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, follow up
the
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on the
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 improvements and the efficiency in different nations. In spite of the advantage, there are limitations to these strategies as well.
Conclusion
In conclusion, global
Use synonyms
organizations
Change the spelling
organisations
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 account for the crucial factor that needs to take accountability
through
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for
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 environmental obstacles.
However
Linking Words
, there are concerning aspects about financial and management.

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task response
Your main view is clear: a world group should lead work on environmental problems. However, explain more fully why it should lead, and say what national governments must still do. This will make your answer more complete and balanced.
task response
Some ideas are not clear enough. For example, say how one country can cause harm in another country, such as through air pollution or sea pollution. Your Sahara flood example is not very clear or well linked to your point.
task response
Give one or two real and clear examples. You could write about climate change, plastic in the sea, or smoke that moves across borders. Then explain exactly how a world group could help.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: state your view; give two reasons for it; explain the limits and the role of national governments; then restate your view. At present, the second body paragraph repeats that there are limits but does not fully develop them.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas more direct. For example, replace “In the other word” with “In other words”. Also, avoid unclear links such as “In addition to this is” and “In spite of the advantage”.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph should have one main point. Start with a clear first sentence, then give an explanation and an example. End by linking that point back to your view.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion should clearly answer the question again. It now mentions financial and management concerns, but it does not clearly say why you still agree that a world group should mainly manage the work.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same main view from the start to the end.
task response
You understand that environmental problems often cross national borders and need countries to work together.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful linking words, such as “For example”, “On the other hand”, and “Consequently”, to show how ideas are connected.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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