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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries young people have a little leisure time and are under pressures to work hard in their studies. What do think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

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Introduction
An
over pressure
Correct your spelling
overpressure
 in the new
generations
Check wording
generations'
show examples
 studies and less leisure
time
Use synonyms
 have become normal in some countries.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the principal causes and solutions that may help
youngs
Check wording
young people
show examples
 go
trough
Correct your spelling
through
this
Linking Words
 situation.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, the way
parents
Use synonyms
 raise their sons
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 an important effect
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 evolution.
Parents
Use synonyms
 should be more
cautions
Correct word choice
cautious
show examples
 about
puting
Correct your spelling
putting
 pressure on children to study harder
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 a huge chance to leds to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
trauma. A good
Use synonyms
exemple
Correct your spelling
example
 of
this
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 is those tenagers that are suffering
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 depression and anxiety because they are afraid of the future and do not know what to do.
Linking Words
Secondly
Add a comma
Secondly,
show examples
 the internet is an obvious motive
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 traumas today. The
comparation
Correct your spelling
comparison
 with
well-success
Replace the word
successful
 people on
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 may unlock a
felling
Check wording
feeling
show examples
 of failure. For
exemple
Use synonyms
 today it is easy
find
Verb problem
to find
show examples
 a young boy
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 became a
milionarie
Correct your spelling
millionaire
 at fifteen years old
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 most of the
time
Use synonyms
this
Linking Words
 only
happen
Correct subject-verb agreement
happens
show examples
 with a very small part of the population.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 at
certain
Add an article
a certain
show examples
age
Add a comma
age,
show examples
 it is not that easy to understand.
Body paragraph 2
From my
perpective
Correct your spelling
perspective
, the solutions to help
this
Linking Words
 young generation is toturs being more present
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their life and
understanding
Wrong verb form
understand
show examples
 their struggles. Sometimes
parents
Use synonyms
wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
show examples
 good notes at school
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
Use synonyms
exemple
Correct your spelling
example
,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 they are not into what
are the children difficults
Correct word order
the children's difficulties are
show examples
. Leisure
time
Use synonyms
 is
also
Linking Words
 a really important key on childrens growth, helping them with more
conection
Correct your spelling
connection
 with
another
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
 kids and learning
being
Wrong verb form
to be
show examples
 a great member of society. For
exemple
Use synonyms
 there are
pleany
Correct your spelling
plenty
 of activities nowadays that
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
 how important it is
working
Wrong verb form
to work
show examples
 together
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as soccer classes, it needed working with your team to make a goal.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, the
over
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
pressure found on young people today
came
Wrong verb form
comes
show examples
 most of the
time
Use synonyms
 from their
parents
Use synonyms
,
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are not connected with their sons to
understant
Correct your spelling
understand
 what is really happening. In addiction leisure
time
Use synonyms
it
Punctuation problem
, it
show examples
 is important in
childrens
Check wording
children's
show examples
 evolution to help them make
networking
Replace the word
connections
 with other
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
 and avoid trauma.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: you give causes and ways to help. However, some ideas do not fully match the main point about hard study and little free time. Focus more on school work, tests, long class hours, and parents who want high marks.
task response
Explain each cause in a clearer way. For example, show how parents may send children to many extra classes, so they have less time to rest, play, or meet friends.
task response
Make the solutions more direct. Parents can set a fair study plan, schools can give less homework, and teachers can teach students how to plan their time. Explain how each step can help.
task response
Your examples are useful, but some need clearer links. The example of a rich boy on the internet shows pressure from comparison, but explain more clearly how this can make a student study too much or lose free time.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first body paragraph only about causes and the second only about solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the start of each paragraph. For example: “One main cause is pressure from parents.” Then give an explanation and one example.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not clear. Use simple linking words such as “This means that”, “As a result”, “For this reason”, and “For example” to show how one idea leads to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating very broad words such as “trauma” and “evolution”. Use more exact words like “stress”, “fear”, “mental health”, “growth”, or “free time”, when they fit your meaning.
task response
You give more than one cause, including pressure from parents and pressure from social media.
task response
You suggest helpful ideas about parents taking part in their children’s lives and giving children time for activities.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow your main plan.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples about anxiety, social media, and team sports to make your ideas more real.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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