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Band 6

In some countries, more houses are needed to cope with rapidly increasing populations. Some people think that it is better to build houses in existing towns and cities, while others believe that it is better to build hou

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Introduction
In contemporary society, many
houses
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 are essential to tackle the increasing population. More and more individuals are debating whether it is efficient to build additional
houses
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 in urban
areas
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 or construct extra
houses
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 in the countryside and develop new urbanisation. In
this
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 essay, I will explain both aspects, followed by my own opinion.
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost, there are numerous reasons associated with building new
houses
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 in existing cities that can create more difficulties than advantages. The primary concern is urban area is continuously crowded
due to
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 a lack of space. By adding
further
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 development in the existing town, it can introduce various types of dilema
such
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 lake of playground for
children
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.
Hence
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,
children
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 would no longer play outdoors, which may affect their mental well-being.
Moreover
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, adding a new house may include traffic congestion because more
houses
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 mean more citizens.
Therefore
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, urban
areas
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 are polluted by citizens' vehicles.
Body paragraph 2
Conversely
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, I prefer making new
houses
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 in rural
areas
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 to making
houses
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 in towns.
Firstly
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, by creating new apartments in the countryside area not only facilitates the local residents but
also
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 allows them to live a modern lifestyle. The main reason is that local individuals often try to alter their places owing to their
children
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's study purposes. If the rural area turns into a town,
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
show examples
children
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 may obtain better educational facilities.
As a result
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,
children
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 may complete their graduation without leaving their families.
For instance
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,
according to
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 Prothom Alo statistics, they demonstrates almost 50% pupils leave their homes for study purposes.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
according to
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 my preference, building new
houses
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 in existing towns may create various issues.
However
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, constructing new
houses
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 in rural
areas
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instead
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 of cities may improve the local residents' lives.

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task response
You answer both views and give your own view. However, explain more clearly why building in cities may still be a good choice. For example, cities already have roads, schools, and hospitals.
task response
Make your main ideas more complete. The point about children’s schools in rural areas is useful, but it does not fully show why new homes should be built there. Add ideas about land, jobs, transport, and cost.
task response
Use an example that clearly supports your point. The Prothom Alo example needs a clear link: say how new homes, schools, and services could help families stay together.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph focus on one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not clear. For example, more homes do not always mean more cars or more pollution. Explain the steps between the cause and the result.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words in a clear way: 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', and 'Therefore'. Do not use them only at the start; make sure the next sentence follows the idea before it.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating 'new houses', 'urban areas', and 'rural areas' too often. You can use 'these homes', 'cities', 'the countryside', or 'such places' when the meaning is clear.
task response
You give a clear personal view: you prefer building homes in rural areas.
task response
You include useful real-life ideas, such as space for children, traffic, schools, and families.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader that you will discuss both sides and give your own view.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion restates your main view and ends the essay clearly.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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