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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness.Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

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Introduction
Certain individuals consider that the primary factor contributing towards the achievement of
happiness
Use synonyms
 is
money
Use synonyms
. From my perspective, some level of contentment
still can
Correct word order
can still
show examples
 be reached without
necessity
Add an article
the necessity
show examples
 of being extremely wealthy.
In particular
Linking Words
, factors
such
Linking Words
 as having strong family relationships, loyal friendships or pursuing education or
career
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a career
show examples
 in a desired major
also
Linking Words
 play
crucial
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a crucial
show examples
 role in maintaining
life
Use synonyms
 satisfaction.
Body paragraph 1
People
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 tend to think that
money
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 is the main cause of
happiness
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 because almost everything can be purchased
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 it.
Existence
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The existence
show examples
 of huge funds
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the balance brings them a sense of freedom and reduces their financial burden
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 may result in more confident spending.
For instance
Linking Words
, if a person has enough
money
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he
Punctuation problem
, he
show examples
 or she can afford expensive medical treatments, going for a trip, or making big purchases
such
Linking Words
 as
house
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a house
show examples
 or
car
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a car
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, not much
money
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 is needed to enjoy
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
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. The perfect picture of
life
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 that we constantly come across
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social media significantly reshaped our understanding of being happy. In
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
money
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 cannot help you get a dream job if you lack motivation,
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
recover from illness
if no
Change preposition
without
show examples
 determination, or get
dream
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a dream
show examples
 body without discipline.
Body paragraph 2
Factors, other than
money
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, that can enhance contentment include close-knit relationships with family members and friends. Being surrounded by
people
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 who unconditionally love, support and stand by you no matter what happens may highly influence the quality of
life
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.
For example
Linking Words
, when someone receives support
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 close
people
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 in a hard stage of
Use synonyms
life
Punctuation problem
life,
show examples
 they get
power
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the power
show examples
 to stand up again.
Additionally
Linking Words
, being able to pursue higher education or build a dream career
as a result
Linking Words
 of hard work
also
Linking Words
 brings a sense of accomplishment. Usually, individuals with clear goals and
mindset
Add an article
a mindset
show examples
 tend to have strong values and beliefs that
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 them achieve true
happiness
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, many
people
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 succumbed to temptation
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 associate
life
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 contentment with being rich.
However
Linking Words
, more genuine
happiness
Use synonyms
 can be obtained by having close
people
Use synonyms
 around and developing strong values and beliefs.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. Make your main view even clearer in the first paragraph: money can give safety and choice, but people can be happy with little money when other needs are met.
task response
Give more full support for each main idea. For example, explain how a close family can help a person feel safe, loved, and less alone. Explain how meaningful work can give pride and a sense of purpose.
task response
Your examples are useful, but some are general. Add one clear real-life style example, such as a person with a simple job who enjoys time with family, good health, and friends.
task response
Be careful not to make claims that are too wide. Instead of saying money cannot help someone recover from illness, say that money may pay for care, but it cannot always bring health or inner peace.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, money, other causes, and conclusion. Keep this strong plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas can be smoother. In the first body paragraph, the move from what money can buy to social media is sudden. Add a link such as: "However, having more money does not always lead to lasting happiness."
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph. The second body paragraph does this well; make the first one equally direct.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating similar words too often, such as "happiness" and "contentment." You can also use simple words like "well-being," "a good life," or "life satisfaction" when they fit.
task response
You give a clear answer: people do not need to be very rich to be happy, and you name important causes such as family, friends, study, and work.
task response
The points about medical care, travel, and large purchases clearly show why money can make life easier.
coherence and cohesion
Your four-paragraph structure is easy to follow, and the conclusion returns to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful linking words, including "For instance," "On the other hand," "Additionally," and "In conclusion."
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
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