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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some says that music, art and drama are important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There
Correct pronoun usage
They
show examples
 are denying the fact that learning art, drama and
music
Use synonyms
 are very important things.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that the students need to learn any thing out the math and sciences in their school, there is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that opposes it.
Body paragraph 1
To
beging
Correct your spelling
begin
 with,
music
Use synonyms
, art
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 drama are not just subjects
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that can
will
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
be
career
Add an article
a career
show examples
.
In other words
Linking Words
, they can use their career to earn money that
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 them in their life or
paying
Wrong verb form
to pay
show examples
 tuition fees.
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 the
studends
Correct your spelling
students
 need to practice their private
excersice
Correct your spelling
exercise
 and do any activity when
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
they
at
Verb problem
are at
show examples
 home and share with their parents or friends after
finish the
Wrong verb form
finishing
show examples
 school and done home work, that will be a good time
Linking Words
then
Wrong verb form
to
show examples
 spend
activity
Add an article
an activity
show examples
 day.
For example
Linking Words
, when I
student
Punctuation problem
student,
show examples
 I
learning
Wrong verb form
learned
show examples
 how to play piano
Linking Words
then
Punctuation problem
, then
show examples
 I
leaned
Verb problem
learned
show examples
 that
go
Verb problem
I should go
show examples
 to visit the party to practice my career, now I am a famous man.
Body paragraph 2
Another point to consider is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
enjoy
Replace the word
enjoyment
 and learning can
combired
Wrong verb form
be combined
show examples
. It is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that students are likely to be motivated and
engage
Wrong verb form
engaged
show examples
 when they are enjoying what they are doing.
More over
Correct your spelling
Moreover
. We can help them avoid boredom and frustration by incorporating educational
acivities
Correct your spelling
activities
 into their free time.
For instance
Linking Words
, playing piano or
listen
Wrong verb form
listening
show examples
 to
music
Use synonyms
 can be an enjoyable way for students to learn new skills
while
Linking Words
also
Linking Words
having enjoy
Wrong verb form
enjoying
show examples
.
Conclusion
In
conclsion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, despite people having different views, I believe that
music
Use synonyms
, art and drama are important as other school subjects.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. Say that you agree that these subjects are as important as maths and science, then give two clear reasons.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear link to primary school children. For example, explain how art and drama help young children share ideas, work with others, and feel more sure of themselves.
task response
Use examples that are clear and true to the point. The example about becoming famous does not strongly show why these subjects should be taught in primary school.
task response
Avoid saying that music, art, and drama are mainly useful because they can become a job. This is less useful for this question than child learning and growth.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph focus on one idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between sentences, such as “First,” “Also,” “For example,” and “As a result.” Do not use a full stop after “More over” and then start a new idea.
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences shorter and clearer. Some sentences are hard to follow, such as “they can use their career to earn money that help them in their life.” Write one idea in each sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Check word order and key forms carefully. For example, write “students need to learn subjects other than maths and science” and “when they are at home.”
task response
You give a clear final view: music, art, and drama should be important school subjects.
task response
You include two main ideas: these subjects can lead to future work, and they can make learning more enjoyable.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape, with a beginning, two main parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as “To begin with,” “In addition,” “For example,” and “In conclusion.”
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • enhance
  • creativity
  • self-expression
  • balanced education
  • cognitive skills
  • academic performance
  • teamwork
  • collaboration
  • emotional intelligence
  • empathy
  • cultural expression
  • appreciation
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
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