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Band 4.5

some people think having a university degree is the best to secure a good job. however, others believe skills and experiences are more important

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
More and more
people
Use synonyms
 think that the most effective way to find an appropriate
jobs
Check wording
job
show examples
 is
that having
Wrong verb form
to have
show examples
 a
university
Use synonyms
 degree ,
while
Linking Words
 others consider that
skills
Use synonyms
 and experiences are essential.
In
Change preposition
From
show examples
 my perspective, the former opinion is more important for one reason.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 would argue that
Use synonyms
university
Add an article
a university
show examples
 degree is crucial for everyone because without having knowledge
Use synonyms
people
Punctuation problem
, people
show examples
 would not be able to do things correctly or to find a
job
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, a
university
Use synonyms
 certificate helps
people
Use synonyms
 broaden their horizons and experience different knowledge,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 will
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to
get
Wrong verb form
getting
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 a good
job
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 in a specific major.
Also
Linking Words
,
It
Fix capitalization
it
show examples
 allows
people
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focus
Verb problem
to focus
show examples
 on one major without distracting in many things.
For example
Linking Words
, students who study
English
Add an article
the English
show examples
 language major .They will be concentrating on the language, pronunciation, and how they can develop their language. Since
people
Use synonyms
having
Wrong verb form
have
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 one dream and
focusing
Wrong verb form
focus
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 on it, they will excel at it .
Body paragraph 2
Conversely
Linking Words
, some individuals are convinced that having experiences and
skills
Use synonyms
 can
rise
Verb problem
increase
show examples
 the opportunity to find a better
job
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. What they mean is that by experience they will be able to know their
strength
Check wording
strengths
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 and
weakness
Check wording
weaknesses
show examples
,which
leading
Wrong verb form
leads
show examples
 to
improve
Wrong verb form
improving
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 the
weakness
Check wording
weaknesses
show examples
 and
develop
Wrong verb form
developing
show examples
 the
strength
Check wording
strengths
show examples
. In meanwhile,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 think that their perspective is right in some point
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is knowing their negative and positive and
try
Wrong verb form
trying
show examples
 to improve it .
For instance
Linking Words
, teachers who struggle with pronunciation , if they teach real student they will know that they need to improve
this
Linking Words
 point
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 them.
Beside
Change preposition
Besides
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 that ,
skills
Use synonyms
Linking Words
also are
Correct word order
are also
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 crucial
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
that
Fix the agreement mistake
those
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 related to communication
skills
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 or how to use technology
because
Punctuation problem
, because
show examples
is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
show examples
 widely used around the world and every jobs need
people
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 who have these
skills
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.
As a result
Linking Words
 , the opportunity of finding a good
job
Use synonyms
 with a good salary will increase
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
if that method is taken into account.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
university
Use synonyms
 degree was the main reason to find a good
job
Use synonyms
 , a group of
people
Use synonyms
 claim that gaining
experiences
Check wording
experience
show examples
 and
skills
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 a better way.

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Task response
Give a clear answer in the first part and keep the same view to the end. You say the degree is more important, but the next main part gives much more support to skills and experience. Explain why a degree is still the best way, even though skills and experience help.
Task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and a full example. For example, say what job needs a degree, what people learn at school, and how this helps them get that job.
Task response
Make the last part match your view. It should say that both sides matter, but a degree is the better base for a good job.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, the main ideas do not always follow your view. Make each part support one clear point.
Coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words more clearly: 'First', 'For example', 'However', and 'In conclusion'. Do not use too many long sentences with several ideas at once.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep the same key words. Use 'a university degree', 'skills', and 'work experience' in a clear way. This will help the reader follow your ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the grammar is not clear. For example, write 'Experience helps people see their strengths and weaknesses' instead of a long sentence with many 'and' words.
Task response
You talk about both views and give your own view.
Task response
You use examples about English students and teachers to explain your ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has separate parts for the two sides of the topic.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful link words, such as 'For example', 'Conversely', and 'In conclusion'.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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