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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some countries invest in specialized sport facilities for top athletes but not for the average person. Is this a positive or a negative development ?

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Introduction
In some regions, investments
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 mainly can be for high-performance
athletes
Check wording
athletes'
show examples
facilities
Use synonyms
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 it is not for
ordenary
Correct your spelling
ordinary
people
Use synonyms
. I think
this
Linking Words
 is
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 development for
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 who need to play other
sports
Use synonyms
 in some areas.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is more likely for some
countries
Use synonyms
 to not have many
professionals
Use synonyms
 in other
sports
Use synonyms
, because of
this
Linking Words
.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
people
Use synonyms
 may face hardships
to play
Change preposition
in playing
show examples
 different
sports
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if their
countries
Use synonyms
 mainly focus on top players
sport
Use synonyms
. Some
countries
Use synonyms
 mainly focus on specific
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
, because they have top players or teams
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 these
sports
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
, many
facilities
Use synonyms
 can turn out to be for
one
Use synonyms
 or
two
Use synonyms
sports
Use synonyms
 only. So,
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 may not be able to go to these
facilities
Use synonyms
 to play other
sports
Use synonyms
out of
Change preposition
besides
show examples
 these
one
Use synonyms
 or
two
Use synonyms
Check wording
apply
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
. As an example for
this
Linking Words
 is
UK
Add an article
the UK
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
, which
show examples
that is
Linking Words
 popular with top footballers, so a lot of football staduims there for
this
Linking Words
sport
Use synonyms
 mainly. A problem arises from
this
Linking Words
 point for
people
Use synonyms
 who need to play other
sports
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as American football or basketball.
Such
Linking Words
sports
Use synonyms
 may
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
facilities
Use synonyms
 there because
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
focusing
Replace the word
focus
 on
one
Use synonyms
sport
Use synonyms
 top players
Use synonyms
facilities
Change preposition
in one sport
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, citizens who live in far places
such
Linking Words
 as rural areas may not be able to find
facilities
Use synonyms
 for
such
Linking Words
sports
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
,
ordenary
Correct your spelling
ordinary
people
Use synonyms
 who live there may not play
sports
Use synonyms
 they love or they
preffer
Correct your spelling
prefer
.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, there are lack of
professionals
Use synonyms
 in other
sports
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if
countries
Use synonyms
 mainly support specific
sports
Use synonyms
 only.
People
Use synonyms
 generally can play
sports
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they have their
facilities
Use synonyms
 around them.
Then
Linking Words
, if they had various
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
, they might go to play
consistainly
Correct your spelling
consistently
. If
this
Linking Words
was
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 true, they might be able to be
professionals
Use synonyms
 in various
sports
Use synonyms
than
Correct word choice
rather than
show examples
Use synonyms
one
Rephrase
just one
show examples
 or
two
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
countries
Use synonyms
 can have
professionals
Use synonyms
 to
repressent
Replace the word
represent
 them in international
sports
Use synonyms
 competitions.
However
Linking Words
,
countries
Use synonyms
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 support
one
Use synonyms
 or
two
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
facilities
Use synonyms
 may
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
.
This
Linking Words
 is because
people
Use synonyms
 might not have a chance to play other
sports
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the first place when the
facilities
Use synonyms
mainly are
Correct word order
are mainly
show examples
 for specific
sports
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, clubs
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 might have football fields only,
people
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 not able
surely
Rephrase
apply
show examples
to play tennis there. So, there are no chances to be
professionals
Use synonyms
, because they are not able to play them around.
Conclusion
in
Capitalize the word
In
show examples
 conclusion, I consider
this
Linking Words
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 development when
people
Use synonyms
 may not be able to play other
sports
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 there are no chances for these
countries
Use synonyms
 to have
professionals
Use synonyms
 in different
sports
Use synonyms
.

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task response
You give a clear view: this is a bad change. You also give two main reasons. To make your answer stronger, explain more about why sport for all people matters, such as health, fun, and fair use of public money.
task response
Your first main point is useful: people may not be able to play the sports they like. Your second point is less strong because it repeats the same idea. Add a different reason, for example that public sport places can help young people stay active and meet others.
task response
Your UK example is not fully clear. The UK has many places for different sports, so it may not support your point well. Use a made-up example or explain one real case with care.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one clear main idea. Then give an explanation and one example. At times, your ideas move too fast, so the link between them is not clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. You use 'Then' and 'As a result' many times. Try other simple links, such as 'because', 'also', 'for example', 'however', and 'therefore'.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same point again in several ways. For example, the idea that people cannot play other sports appears many times. State it once clearly, then develop it with a clear effect.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep your view clear from the start to the end.
task response
You use relevant ideas about access to sport and the future of sport in a country.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphs and clear signposts such as 'To begin with', 'Secondly', and 'In conclusion'.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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