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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

People’s lives are now surrounded by advertisements. This affects what people consider important and has a negative impact on people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Nowadays,
advertisements
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 are everywhere where
people
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 go: in shopping malls, supermarkets, subways and even inside laptops. There is a common belief that
this
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 influences
people
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 in a bad way, as they tend to change their opinion about their own values, paying for things that are unnecessary for them.
While
Linking Words
 I believe that many marketers live from
advertisements
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 and without them we wouldn't know about new technologies, goods and industries, I tend to believe that ads can be harmful, especially for
people
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 who do not have critical thinking.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
advertisements
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 help
people
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 to earn money. Since the beginning of the century, many global corporations in the entertainment sphere,
such
Linking Words
 as YouTube or Twitch, have been paying millions of dollars to specialists to develop the algorithms to show the correct thing to the correct person at the correct time.
As a result
Linking Words
, it is straightforward for one to find specific content he wants to observe depending on his mood.
However
Linking Words
,
as a result
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 of these
algorithm's
Fix the agreement mistake
algorithms'
show examples
 work, individuals often spend much more time sitting in front of the computers
instead
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 of
socializing
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socialising
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
people
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 become addictive from easy dopamine, and
advertisements
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 use
this
Linking Words
 fact to manipulate the public. By looking at the bright picture of the limited item in front of them, the person tends to feel "Fear of missing out" and buy the product
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 in fact costs nothing for him.
As a result
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,
people
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 are going into
debts
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debt
show examples
 just to show their exclusivity to the public.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 I understand the advantages of the
advertisements
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, I have a belief that many individuals are negatively affected by them.

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task response
Give a clearer answer to the full question. You say ads can be harmful, but you also spend much of the first body part on how ads help firms make money. Explain more directly how ads change what people see as important.
task response
Use stronger and more exact support. For example, explain how ads can make people care too much about new phones, clothes, or a rich image, instead of health, time, or family.
task response
Some ideas need more care. Ads do not always make people buy things that cost nothing to them. Say that people may buy things they do not need, or spend more than they can pay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, the first main part moves from ads helping people find content to people spending too much time on computers. Make the link between these ideas clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part focus on one main point. The first could be about the useful side of ads, and the second could be about harm. Then show why the harm is greater, since this is your view.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words to show contrast and result, such as “However”, “For example”, “Because of this”, and “Therefore”. Do not repeat “As a result” too often.
coherence and cohesion
Use a more direct final sentence. State clearly that you mostly agree, because ads can shape values and lead people to spend money on things they do not need.
task response
You give a clear personal view: ads have some good uses, but they can harm people who do not think carefully.
task response
Your example of a limited item and fear of missing out is relevant and helps show how ads can push people to buy.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use contrast well with “On the one hand” and “On the other hand”, which helps the reader see both sides.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Consumerism
  • Materialism
  • Idealized images
  • Body image
  • Comparison culture
  • Societal values
  • Financial strain
  • Instant gratification
  • Brand loyalty
  • Manipulative techniques
  • Sensationalism
  • Disposable income
  • Spending habits
  • Lifestyle advertisements
  • Psychological impact
  • Commercialization
  • Target audience
  • Marketing strategies
  • Impulse buying
  • Economic pressure
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