IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some countries achieve international sporting success by building specialised facilities that are used only to train top athletes, instead of providing sports facilities that everyone can use. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

5.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In many countries, the distribution of specialised sports
facilities
Use synonyms
 between top
athletes
Use synonyms
 and ordinary individuals is unequal.
While
Linking Words
 providing special
facilities
Use synonyms
 for the use of successful
athletes
Use synonyms
 is available in certain instances. I believe that prioritising professional
athletes
Use synonyms
 at the expense of the general public would make the development largely undesirable.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there is some merit in empowering top
athletes
Use synonyms
 with access to state-of-the-art
facilities
Use synonyms
. These individuals represent their country in global arenas and crave championship titles, for which they should be well prepared. To maximise their chances of success, the government provides these
athletes
Use synonyms
 with the necessary equipment and training areas, which may contribute to their performance.
Additionally
Linking Words
, successful
athletes
Use synonyms
 often bring
revenues
Check wording
revenue
show examples
 for their countries, which can justify the initial investments in their training. Professional
athletes
Use synonyms
 offer mutual advantages,
such
Linking Words
 as popularity and money, which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 beneficial for
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
Despite these arguments, I remain convinced that depriving the public of equal access to modern fitness
facilities
Use synonyms
 may have a harmful impact on their health.
Firstly
Linking Words
, people may feel discriminated against if they are not allowed to use the same
facilities
Use synonyms
 as professional
athletes
Use synonyms
 do.
Moreover
Linking Words
, ordinary people pay taxes, which are
then
Linking Words
 spent on special
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
facilities
Use synonyms
 for
athletes
Use synonyms
, regardless of whether they can or cannot use the same
facilities
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, limited access to sports
facilities
Use synonyms
 may lead to an increase in the number of some sort of disease. The regular engagement in physical activities in full-fledged fitness
facilities
Use synonyms
 would deter individuals from leading a sedentary lifestyle.
However
Linking Words
, their absence can cause some medical issues,
such
Linking Words
 as obesity.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I acknowledge the financial advantages of making sports
facilities
Use synonyms
 available solely to top
athletes
Use synonyms
;
nevertheless
Linking Words
, I feel that governments should fund public places
as well as
Linking Words
 special centres for top
athletes
Use synonyms
. So both
athletes
Use synonyms
 and ordinary people can have equal
accessibilities
Check wording
access
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
State your main view more directly in the first part. Say clearly that this is a negative change because it harms public health and fairness.
task response
Develop each main point with one clear reason and one real or clear example. For example, explain how a local sports centre can help people exercise after work and lower obesity.
task response
The point about money from top athletes is useful, but explain how this money helps the country. This will make the other side of the argument stronger.
task response
Your ending should match your main view. Do not say that both groups should have equal access if the question is about special places used only by top athletes. Instead, say that public places should also receive enough money.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, one side, the other side, and ending. Keep this shape in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. 'Firstly', 'Moreover', and 'Furthermore' work well, but make sure each new sentence adds a different point rather than repeating the idea of unfair access.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body part show the main point more clearly. For example: 'Special training centres can help top athletes win for their country.'
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas need a smoother link. After discussing tax money, explain directly why this can make people feel unfairly treated.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear overall view that the change is mainly negative.
task response
You discuss both possible gains for top athletes and the harm to the wider public.
coherence and cohesion
The body parts are in a sensible order: benefits first, then the reasons for your own view.
coherence and cohesion
The ending returns to the main topic and gives a practical idea for governments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • international success
  • specialized facilities
  • top athletes
  • sports facilities
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • excellence in sports
  • lack of access
  • general public
  • international sports events
  • unequal distribution
  • resources
  • inspire
  • motivate
  • aspiring athletes
  • neglecting
  • areas of development
  • contribute to
  • economy
  • excessive focus
What to do next:
Look at other essays: