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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that mothers should spend most of their time raising their family, and therefore the government should support them financially. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Some people believe that
mothers
Use synonyms
 should devote most of their time to raising their
kids
Use synonyms
 and receive financial assistance from the
authority
Check wording
government
show examples
. From my perspective, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because
mothers
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' role is crucial for
children
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's early
development
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 financial support helps them focus on their
children
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 without worrying about financial concerns.
Body paragraph 1
Young individuals need maternal guidance and support during their formative years. The argument is that
kids
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 can experience attention and affection
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 makes them feel loved and emotionally supported.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a mother's presence at home can help
children
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 build social
relationship
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relationships
show examples
 because
kids
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 tend to observe the way their
mothers
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 communicate with
other
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others
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. To illustrate that, youngsters who lack sufficient parental care may display disruptive behaviour,
such
Linking Words
 as teasing their classmates, in an attempt to gain
the recognization
Rephrase
recognition
 from their friends and teachers.
Therefore
Linking Words
, maternal
involvment
Correct your spelling
involvement
 plays an important role in shaping
children
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's social and emotional
development
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.
Body paragraph 2
Additionally
Linking Words
, raising individuals requires considerable financial resources.
This
Linking Words
 is because
kids
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 need various necessities, including formula
milks
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milk
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, diapers, and books, which can lead to higher
cost
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costs
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. Women who do not have their own income
will
Verb problem
apply
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may need to work to earn additional money to meet their
children
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's
need
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needs
show examples
, resulting in limited time to spend with their
children
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. With financial assistance from the government,
mothers
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 can feel less burdened by economic concerns and devote more attention to their
children
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's
development
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, government financial support is essential in helping
mothers
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 fulfil their responsibilities
while
Linking Words
 ensuring their
children
Use synonyms
's well-being.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly believe that
mothers
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 should prioritise raising their
children
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, particularly during their early years, as their involvement plays a significant role in
children
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’s
development
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, financial assistance from the government can ease the economic burden on
mothers
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 and allow them to focus on their
children
Use synonyms
’s well-being.

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Task response
Your view is clear: you agree that mothers should get state help. To make the answer stronger, explain why this help should go to mothers in particular, not to all parents or all low-income homes. You could also say what kind of help the state should give, such as money each month or paid leave.
Task response
Your main ideas are on-topic and well explained. However, the first body part says that children need a mother at home, but it does not fully show why this must mean mothers should spend most of their time at home. Add one clear link between early care and the need for more time with young children.
Task response
The example about a child teasing classmates is possible, but it is a little general. Use a more direct example, such as a mother who can stay home during a child’s first years because state money pays for food, books, and care.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: your view, two reasons, and a final summary. Keep this strong shape. In each body part, start with one main point, explain it, then give an example or result.
Coherence and cohesion
Most links between ideas are clear. Still, some lines are long and have too many ideas. For example, split the sentence about women needing work and having less time with children into two shorter sentences. This will make the meaning easier to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for key ideas. You move between “kids”, “young individuals”, “youngsters”, and “children”. Choose “children” most of the time. Also use “government” or “the state” in place of “the authority”, which sounds less natural here.
Task response
You answer both parts of the topic: the role of mothers in child care and the need for state money. Your position stays clear from the first line to the end.
Task response
Your two main reasons are useful and on-topic: children’s early growth and the cost of raising children. Each reason is explained rather than only named.
Coherence and cohesion
The opening and closing are clear and match each other. The final part restates your view without adding a new idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Moreover”, “Additionally”, “Therefore”, and “Furthermore” help the reader follow the main steps of your argument.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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