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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this topic.

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Introduction
There is no doubt that
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 wastes much
money
Use synonyms
 on the
arts
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.
However
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, I do not believe that they should spend
this
Linking Words
money
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elsewhere
Linking Words
.
This
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 essay will provide evidence to support my point of view.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 wastes
much
Correct determiner usage
a lot of
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 on the
Use synonyms
art
Check wording
arts
show examples
.
Firstly
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, it invests
to develope
Rephrase
in developing
 their
arts
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 rapidly.
For
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example
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, it looks forward to
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 their
country
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 full of
arts
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 in a short time.
Also
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, it led to
waste
Wrong verb form
wasting
show examples
money
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 in order to achieve
unrealistic
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an unrealistic
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 goal.
Secondly
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, it spends a huge amount of
money
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to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 artists.
For
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example
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, artists who have an outstanding skill are usually few. They get paid generously
due to
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 their impressive
skill
Check wording
skills
show examples
.
Finally
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, it invests
money
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 in teaching
art
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 methods so as to get
skillful
Change the spelling
skilful
show examples
 artists.
For instance
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,
art
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 students need
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
professional methods and
suitable
Add an article
a suitable
show examples
 learning environment.
Furthermore
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, they have to
get
Verb problem
be
show examples
 provided with genius teachers to let their talent reach their full potential.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, I do not think that they should stop investing in
this
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 side.
Firstly
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,
Use synonyms
arts
Add an article
the arts
show examples
 generate
money
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to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
country
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.
For
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example
Use synonyms
,
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government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 gets
much
Correct determiner usage
a lot of
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 from museums.
Moreover
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, individuals buy tickets in order to see an unbelievable
Use synonyms
arts
Check wording
art
show examples
.
Secondly
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,
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arts
Add an article
the arts
show examples
 attract many tourists around the world.
For instance
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, tourists travel just to see the
arts
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that
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not in their homeland.
Also
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, interested
travelers
Change the spelling
travellers
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 may spend a fortune in order to travel and see a rare piece of
art
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.
Finally
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,
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arts
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the arts
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 spread an unbelievable reputation towards the
country
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.
For
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example
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, they put the
country
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 between other major
touristic
Correct word choice
tourist
show examples
 destinations.
Also
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, they provide the
country
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 with a sense of beauty.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 invest much
money
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on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
arts
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that it is beneficial to the
country
Use synonyms
 and they should not
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 the
money
Use synonyms
elsewhere
Linking Words
.

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task response
Make your main view clearer in the first part. You say the state wastes money, but you also say it should keep spending on art. Explain that some spending may be wasteful, yet art still needs public money.
task response
Answer the question about how far you agree. State if you agree only in part or do not agree, and keep this same view in all parts.
task response
Give more real and clear examples. For example, say how a museum brings money from ticket sales, jobs, hotels, and food shops.
task response
Some points need fuller support. Explain why art is worth public money even when schools, health care, or roads also need money.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, the first main part says money is wasted, while the next part says spending is good. Link these ideas more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences. For example: “Although some art plans cost too much, public support for art is still important.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “Firstly”, “Secondly”, and “Finally” too often. Use links such as “In addition”, “As a result”, and “For this reason” when they show the true link between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main idea. In the first body part, explain waste. In the second, explain why funding should continue. Then compare the two sides.
task response
You give a clear main view: public money should still be used for art.
task response
You include useful ideas about museum income, travel, and the good name of a country.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses a clear four-part form with an opening, two body parts, and a closing.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples after many main points, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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