IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local business are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There is no doubt that the
closure
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 of local
businesses
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 will bring about the death of local communities.
However
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, I do not believe that the development and rapid expansion of
supermarkets
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 has made the local
businesses
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 unable to compete.
This
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 essay will provide evidence to support my point of view.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
supermarkets
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 have been developing rapidly nowadays.
However
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, local
businesses
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 can still compete.
Firstly
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,
supermarkets
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 are just normal stores.
For
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example
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, they do not provide buyers with different products.
Also
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, they offer the same products that local
businesses
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 offer.
Secondly
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, national startups are privileged with the community's support.
For
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example
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, individuals usually prefer buying from national stores.
Moreover
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, they care for their consumers more than big
supermarkets
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.
Finally
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,
supermarkets
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 usually waste a lot of time.
For instance
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, people will not prefer standing in a long queue every time.
Moreover
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, it is often crowded with too many people.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, the
closure
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 of national stores will kill the local communities.
Firstly
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, there will be no rivals to the
supermarkets
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.
For
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example
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,
supermarkets
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 will increase their prices rapidly , which will harm locals.
Furthermore
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, they would take advantage of the local store's
closure
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 to abuse the consumer's needs.
Secondly
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, they will take control of the market totally.
For instance
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, the market's share will be completely theirs.
Finally
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Body paragraph 3
LINKING WORDS
Body paragraph 4
Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.
Body paragraph 5
,
Correct word choice
If
show examples
society
will lose
Wrong verb form
loses
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 its variety of options in buying their needs.
For
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example
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, they will not have an option to boycott these shops.
Moreover
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, they will be compelled to buy from these shops.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that the
closure
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 of national
businesses
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 will kill the local communities.
However
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, local
businesses
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 can still compete despite the development and expansion of
supermarkets
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.

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Task response
Make your main view more clear. You say that local shops can still compete, but you also say that their closure will end local communities. State how far you agree in the first part and keep this same view in all parts.
Task response
Explain why local shops may have an edge over supermarkets. For example, they may give more personal help, sell local goods, or be close to people’s homes. The point that supermarkets sell the same goods does not by itself show why small shops can compete.
Task response
Use real and clear examples. Instead of saying that supermarkets waste time, explain that a small shop near home may let a person buy milk or bread fast, while a large store may be far away or have long lines.
Task response
Do not say that all supermarkets will raise prices if small shops close. This is too strong. Say that less choice may let large shops have more power over prices.
Task response
Remove the words 'LINKING WORDS' and the text after them. This is not part of the essay and breaks the answer.
Coherence and cohesion
Your four-part plan is clear: an opening, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each main part start with one clear point and then add an explanation and example.
Coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words all through the essay. The task is about local businesses, but you often write 'national stores' or 'national businesses'. These mean something different. Write 'local shops' or 'small local businesses' instead.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words only when the ideas truly match. 'Firstly', 'for example', and 'moreover' are often used, but some sentences do not add a new or full point. Make each link show a clear next step.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea about market control, no rivals, higher prices, and no choice. Put these together in one well-built point: fewer local shops can mean less choice and more power for big stores.
Task response
You answer both sides of the question: whether local shops can compete and what may happen if they close.
Task response
You give a clear overall view in the opening and repeat it in the ending.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has clear main parts and uses paragraph breaks.
Coherence and cohesion
You try to support your points with examples, such as long lines and fewer buying choices.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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