IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that people who are over 60 years old should not work and should be made to retire. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that staying home is very important for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older people.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that working
does
Verb problem
is
show examples
 not for
person
Add an article
a person
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 who is over 60 years old, there is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that opposes it.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, they can not do
a
Correct article usage
apply
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hard
work
Use synonyms
, and they
do
Verb problem
are
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 not
activity
Replace the word
active
, and all that
Linking Words
due
Verb problem
is due
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 to
problem
Add an article
a problem
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 at
job
Add an article
the job
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,
and it
Correct word choice
which
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 causes a high cost
Linking Words
then causes
Correct word choice
and
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 pressure on the budget.
In other words
Linking Words
, older people have a great deal of
exprience
Correct your spelling
experience, which
 can be a result of various factors
such
Linking Words
 as skills, opportunities and resources.
In addition
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, many older adults suffer from a weakened immune system,
for that
Correct word choice
so
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 they need health care,
that because
Correct word choice
which is why
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 they stay in the hospital for a long time.
For example
Linking Words
, there are
study
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studies
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 about a healthy of employees, it said
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 when they
were
Wrong verb form
are
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 older
age
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apply
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, they need more healthcare.
Body paragraph 2
Another point to consider is that
,
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apply
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 the older adults should be concerned about his health, because their responsible if they have any injury in their bodies, it is difficult to treat. It is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that hard
work
Use synonyms
 is a high risk endeavor and they should be careful because in
this
Linking Words
 age any damage happened will be
danger
Replace the word
dangerous
 and may
be to there a
Correct word order
lead to
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 physical complications.
Moreover
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, they should be made to
office
Verb problem
do office
show examples
work
Use synonyms
,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will be comfortable for them.
managment
Correct your spelling
Management
 and accounting are not
a
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apply
show examples
difficult
job
Check wording
jobs
show examples
,
Add a semicolon
;
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 the agenda
just
Verb problem
is just
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 about paperwork.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
Japan
Punctuation problem
Japan,
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 any employees
have
Correct pronoun usage
who are
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 over 60 years old
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
they
Verb problem
have
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 switched to office
work
Use synonyms
 because
there are
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can use their
expriences
Check wording
experience
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe that
retire
Replace the word
retirement
 is not the best solution, I think
switch
Wrong verb form
switching
show examples
 them to office
work
Use synonyms
able
Verb problem
will enable
show examples
 them to practice their
exprinces
Correct your spelling
experiences

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task response
State your view in the first part more clearly. You seem to disagree with full retirement, but this is not clear until the end.
task response
Answer both parts of the question: if people over 60 should stop work, and if they should be forced to retire. Explain why some can still work if the job is safe and fits their health.
task response
Build each main idea with a clear reason and a simple example. The health example is too general. Give one clear case, such as an older teacher or manager who can work part time.
task response
Do not say that office work is always easy. Some office jobs can also be stressful. Say that work duties can be changed based on each person's health and skills.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: introduction with your view, one paragraph about health and hard jobs, one paragraph about work that older people can still do, then a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body paragraph, health, cost, skills, and hospital care are mixed together. Split or remove ideas that do not support the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. For example: "However", "As a result", and "For this reason". Make sure the next sentence follows from the last one.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion direct: older people should not all be forced to retire; instead, they should move to safer or part-time work when possible.
task response
You give a clear health reason for why hard physical work may not be right for some older people.
task response
You also give a useful alternative to full retirement: moving older workers to office work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph starters such as "To begin with" and "Another point to consider", which help show the order of your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • compulsory retirement
  • workforce
  • innovation
  • retirement
  • well-being
  • experience
  • wisdom
  • discrimination
  • ageism
  • financial stability
  • flexible working arrangements
  • part-time work
  • consultant roles
  • mentorship programs
  • balanced view
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