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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Death Penalty is an effective method to stop heinous crimes. To what extent do you agree or disagree?? Give your opinion

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Introduction
Death
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punishment
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penalty
show examples
 is
useful
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a useful
show examples
 way to prevent evil
crimes
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. I completely agree with
this
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 statement, because
this
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 might make some
people
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 afraid
from
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of
show examples
 committing
crimes
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 that are known
of
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for
show examples
death
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punishment
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.
Additionally
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,
this
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 can prevent
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 possibility of
commiting
Correct your spelling
committing
crimes
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 by
people
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 with
crimes
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 history.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with,
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death
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the death
show examples
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punishment
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penalty
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 may make
people
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 afraid to commit
crimes
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 related to
this
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punishment
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.
People
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 may have motives before
comitting
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committing
crimes
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,
such
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 as killing or stealing. So, if these
crimes
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 made
people
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 imprisoned for
years
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,
thefts
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thieves
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 might steal
money
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 and spend
years
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 imprisoned. So,
this
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 might not prevent them
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if the motives were valuable
for
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to
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 them. Especially, if those
people
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 had
came
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come
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 from poor families, they might not have been
mind
Wrong verb form
minded
show examples
 to be imprisoned for
years
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 for
money
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. For those
people
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,
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death
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the death
show examples
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punishment
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penalty
show examples
 may make them afraid to commit
such
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crimes
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.
This
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 is because they would not benefit from stealing
money
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.
Although
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 they
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
ended up dead.
As a result
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,
stealing
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theft
crimes
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 for high
instituations
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institutions
such
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 as banks might be prevented by
this
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.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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,
death
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punishment
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 is able to prevent
people
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 with
history
Add an article
a history
show examples
 of
crimes
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to do
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from committing
show examples
 other
crimes
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. There are possibilities of dangerous on
people
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 who report on killers ,
for example
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.
This
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dangerous
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danger
 might come from killers, if they were imprisoned for
years
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.
Then
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, they may be more likely to hurt those reporters.
In addition
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, research carried
on
Verb problem
out on
show examples
 criminals
years
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 ago showed that
people
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 who
commited
Correct your spelling
committed
crimes
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 were more
likey
Correct your spelling
likely
 to do more
crimes
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 in the future
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
than
other
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others
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 who did not. So, if both
kind
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kinds
show examples
 of
people
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sentanced with
Rephrase
sentenced to
death
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, they would not be able to commit any
crimes
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 in the future.
As a result
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, a prevention might be to happen
after
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this
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 for criminals who are killers or
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 from
doing
Verb problem
committing
show examples
 other similar
crimes
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
people
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 might be afraid
from
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of
show examples
death
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, so they are not able to benefit from
money
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they are
thefts
Check wording
thieves
show examples
.
In addition
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,
people
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 with
history
Add an article
a history
show examples
 of
crimes
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 are not
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
able to commit other
crimes
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 in the future. For those two reasons, I
utterely
Correct your spelling
utterly
 agree
with
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apply
show examples
that
this
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 can prevent criminals from doing
this
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.

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task response
Make your main view clear in the first part: say that you fully agree, but only for very serious crimes such as murder. This will make your answer more exact.
task response
Develop each main point with one clear reason and one real or clear example. The bank example is not strong because stealing should not lead to death. Use murder or repeated violent crime instead.
task response
Do not use claims about research unless you can explain them well. For example, say why some people may commit crimes again, then show how your point supports your view.
task response
Your second point is clearer than your first: a person put to death cannot harm people again. Explain this point in more detail and link it to public safety.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction with your view; first body part about fear of punishment; second body part about stopping future harm; conclusion that repeats your view.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one idea. In the first body part, you move from murder to stealing, prison, poor families, and banks. This makes the point hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words with care. Words such as “For example”, “However”, “Therefore”, and “As a result” should show a clear link between the two ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make your sentences shorter. Several sentences have too many ideas, so the meaning is not clear. Write one main idea in each sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “death punishment” in every sentence. You can also say “this punishment” or “the death penalty” after you introduce the term.
task response
You give a clear opinion and keep the same view from the start to the end.
task response
You give two main reasons: fear may stop some crime, and people who have done serious crime cannot do it again.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as “To begin with”, “Secondly”, and “In conclusion”.
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