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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people leave their villages and life in the countryside and move to the big city. Give reasons why they do this and give some problems it may cause.

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Introduction
The world has greatly changed, and life has become even more important for families. Moving from the
countryside
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 to the big
cities
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 has several advantages. These include better job opportunities and access to education.
However
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,
this
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 can
also
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 cause some
problems
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,
such
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 as overcrowding and traffic congestion.
This
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 essay will examine reasons why they do
this
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 and will
also
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 give some
problems
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 it may cause.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, leaving the
countryside
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 and moving to a big
city
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 has several reasons.
First,
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people
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 can find better jobs.
For example
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, in the
countryside
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 , jobs are limited, like farming, but in a big
city
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,
people
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 can have more jobs in companies or the government.
Second,
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students can find superior education.
For instance
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, a student from a rural area finds it harder to find a university to study engineering.
However
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, the reverse is true in the big
city
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.
Third,
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people
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 can
also
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 have a better lifestyle.
In other words
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,
people
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 can find the best restaurants and transportation.
Finally
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,
people
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 can have good healthcare.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, moving to the big
city
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 has some
problems
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.
First,
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many
people
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 moving to
cities
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 can lead to overcrowding.
As a result
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, there may be a shortage of affordable housing , and living costs can become very high.
Second,
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cities
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 may suffer from heavy traffic.
For example
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, in large
cities
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, thousands of
people
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 travel to work at the same time every morning, which can cause long traffic jams, and it
also
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 leads to higher pollution levels from the large number of cars and factories.
Finally
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,
cities
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 will suffer pressure on many public services.
This
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 includes hospitals, schools and the police.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
people
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 leave the
countryside
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 for multiple reasons.
However
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,
this
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 definitely increases the
problems
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 in the
city
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.

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Task response
You answer both parts of the question: why people move and what problems this can cause. Add more detail about how each problem affects city people, such as long waits at hospitals or high rent for families.
Task response
Your main ideas are clear, but some are too general. Give one more real or clear example for jobs, schools, health care, and city services. This will make your ideas stronger.
Task response
Stay close to the question. The point about restaurants is less important than jobs, schools, and health care. Use that space to explain a main reason or problem more fully.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, reasons, problems, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the opening more direct and remove the first sentence, which does not clearly link to the topic.
Coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas, but do not repeat “First”, “Second”, and “Finally” too often. You can also use simple links such as “Also”, “Because of this”, and “For this reason”.
Coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences join more smoothly. For example, explain that more people in a city mean more cars, and more cars make traffic and air pollution worse.
Coherence and cohesion
The last line is too general. End by naming the main city problems again, such as crowded homes, traffic, and pressure on schools and hospitals.
Task response
You give several useful reasons for moving: more jobs, better schools, a better way of life, and health care.
Task response
You identify clear city problems, including crowded areas, high house costs, traffic, pollution, and pressure on public services.
Coherence and cohesion
Each body part has a clear focus: one is about reasons for moving and the other is about problems in cities.
Coherence and cohesion
You use simple examples to help explain your points, especially farming work in the countryside and rush-hour traffic in large cities.
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