IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

in some countries owning a home rather than renting one is very important for people. Why might this be the case? Do you think this is a positives or negative situation?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
House
Use synonyms
 rental
become
Verb problem
has become
show examples
 a
trend
Use synonyms
 for
people
Use synonyms
 in some countries
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 are less prefered on purchase their own
residental
Check wording
residential property
show examples
 right now. Since values
changing
Verb problem
are changing
show examples
 and
house
Use synonyms
rent
Use synonyms
getting
Verb problem
is getting
show examples
 higher and higher, the housing market is
transmitting
Verb problem
changing
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, it might be a hidden bomb for the government and society.
Body paragraph 1
This
Linking Words
essy
Correct your spelling
essay
 will discuss
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the custom of the
house
Use synonyms
 rental
trend
Use synonyms
 and the negative
result by
Rephrase
results of
 the
renting
Replace the word
rental
trend
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Countries which tend to
home
Verb problem
have home
show examples
 rental usually
having a
Rephrase
have an
 overpriced housing market. Young
people
Use synonyms
 are not able to afford the
price
Use synonyms
 and
rather
Verb problem
would rather
show examples
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
rent
Use synonyms
 a
house
Use synonyms
 since they are not willing to risk their whole
life
Use synonyms
 to bear and truss up with the loan.
People
Use synonyms
 would rather live with their parents even
they
Correct word choice
though they
show examples
 are already an adult. In Tokyo, Japan,
There
Fix capitalization
there
show examples
 are many young
people
Use synonyms
 refusing
on buying
Wrong verb form
to buy
show examples
 houses since the
Use synonyms
price
Check wording
prices
show examples
 keep
raising
Verb problem
rising
show examples
 and their
economic
Replace the word
economy
 is declining
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 causes low
salary
Check wording
salaries
show examples
 with high commodity
Use synonyms
price
Check wording
prices
show examples
. Daily expenditure
already
Verb problem
has already
show examples
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
 most of their salary
, when
Punctuation problem
. When
show examples
 young
people
Use synonyms
 from rural
area
Check wording
areas
show examples
 and other
adminstrative area
Rephrase
administrative areas
 want to
stablise
Correct your spelling
stabilise
 their
life
Use synonyms
 in
tokyo
Capitalize the proper name
Tokyo
show examples
, they have no financial
resourse
Correct your spelling
resources
 to support them to buy a
house
Use synonyms
 since they
just
Verb problem
have just
show examples
freshly
Rephrase
apply
show examples
graduated with no
sponsership
Correct your spelling
sponsorship
.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
show examples
 young
people
Use synonyms
 spend most of the
money
Use synonyms
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rent
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
cause
Verb problem
means
show examples
 they cannot save
money
Use synonyms
 for buying their own
house
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 3
And about the value changing. Since young
people
Use synonyms
 do not perceive buying
Use synonyms
house
Add an article
a house
show examples
 as a
goal of
Correct word order
life goal
show examples
life
Use synonyms
, they
rather
Verb problem
would rather
show examples
 spend
money
Use synonyms
 on interests.
By
Change preposition
Due to
show examples
 the increasing
house
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
price
Check wording
prices
show examples
, young
people
Use synonyms
 give up
tradition value
Replace the word
traditional values
 on marriage,
give
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
 birth and buying houses. In the US, there is a
trend
Use synonyms
 to buy a whole
life
Use synonyms
 ticket
on spending
Wrong verb form
to spend
show examples
 their
life
Use synonyms
 on a cruise ship.
People
Use synonyms
 pay
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
30
milion hong kong
Correct your spelling
million Hong Kong
 dollars to move into the ship after they
retired
Wrong verb form
retire
show examples
.
People
Use synonyms
rather
Verb problem
would rather
show examples
renting
Rephrase
rent a
house
Use synonyms
 to save
money
Use synonyms
 and start a new
life
Use synonyms
 on the ship. Which
show
Correct subject-verb agreement
shows
show examples
 the
trend
Use synonyms
on
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 owning a stable property is now changing.
Conclusion
In
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon, you can see
people
Use synonyms
 are getting more pessimistic
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their
Use synonyms
life
Check wording
lives
show examples
 since the
house
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
price
Check wording
prices
show examples
 are
overload
Replace the word
overwhelming
 for
people
Use synonyms
. If the situation
consists
Verb problem
arises
show examples
, the government may face
elderly
Add an article
an elderly
show examples
 replacement problem in the future since some elderly with no
saving
Replace the word
savings
 to
rent
Use synonyms
 a
house
Use synonyms
 may rely on
government's
Add an article
the government's
show examples
 support. More shelters and public housing will be demanded .
Therefore
Linking Words
,
governements
Correct your spelling
governments
 should publish policies on persuading and encouraging citizens to get their own
house
Use synonyms
 to avoid the burden increase in the
coming
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
future.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more directly. Explain why owning a home is important in some countries, then clearly say if this is mainly positive or negative.
task response
Your main idea is not always clear. The question is about why people want to own homes, but much of the essay talks about why young people rent. Add clear reasons such as safety, family status, and having a home for old age.
task response
Keep one clear view from the start. You say renting is a danger, but your examples also show why renting may help young people. Explain why the bad side is stronger.
task response
Use examples that clearly support your point. The Tokyo example is useful, but the cruise ship example does not strongly show why home ownership matters.
coherence and cohesion
Make the paragraph plan clearer: introduction, reasons for owning, your view on the result, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then explain it and give one example. Do not move between house prices, marriage, birth, and cruise ships in the same line of thought.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words more carefully: “First,” “For example,” “As a result,” and “In conclusion.” This will help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid long sentences with many ideas. For example, split sentences about young people, low pay, daily costs, and moving to Tokyo into shorter sentences.
task response
You give a clear real-life reason for renting: high house prices and low pay can make buying very hard for young people.
task response
You try to show a wider social effect, including problems for older people who may need state help.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a final paragraph with a clear warning for the future.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples from Tokyo and the US to support your ideas, which makes the essay more real.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: