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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

After leaving school or university, young people should choose a job or a career that they love , rather than one that pays the best salary. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
In
this
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 modern era, some
people
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 prefer selecting a
job
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 just because they
love
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 it,
while
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 others believe that salary is much more crucial. From my perspective, I support both concepts
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they should be considered equally.
Therefore
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, in
this
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 essay, I will discuss both perspectives and provide my point of view.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, there are many reasons for young individuals to prefer selecting a
job
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 they
love
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.
This
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 is primarily because they are able to level up and upgrade easily, and will not get bored(unengaged) rapidly.
For instance
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, when passionate doctors work daily in the same environment and have to deal with pathogens, they will not lose interest.
This
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 is mainly
due to
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 performing what they feel enthusiastic
toward
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about
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.
Moreover
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,
people
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 like to select a career they
love
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, not only for being more productive, but
also
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 to achieve efficiency.
Thus
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, a career is something that
people
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 spend most of their time doing ,so it must be determined carefully.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
people
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 think that selecting a
job
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 that offers the highest salary is more critical.
This
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 is based on the grounds that it guarantees a better quality of life, and it can encourage individuals to invest in themselves. Specifically, employees can help secure their families’ future by offering effective education, health care, and entertainment.
Moreover
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, if individuals receive high salaries, they can start their own business and gain financial independence.
Hence
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, money is important in life, so society must take it into consideration.
Conclusion
In conclusion, in my point of view,
people
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 at a young age must select the
job
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 they
love
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, so they can master it easily and improve fast.
However
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, they must take care of their financial state, so they can have a decent life. If the community tries to improve their social and economic levels, they should direct young
people
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 to balance between what they
love
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 to do and a prosperous salary.

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Task response
Your view is clear: young people should think about both love for the work and money. However, state this view more strongly in the first paragraph. Say that you agree only partly, because a good job should give both interest and enough money.
Task response
Give deeper reasons for each side. For example, work people love can help them stay in the job, learn more, and do better work. A high pay can help with rent, food, family needs, and saving for the future.
Task response
Use a more real and clear example. The doctor example is not fully developed. Explain how a doctor who loves helping sick people may keep working hard even when the work is difficult.
Task response
Make the last paragraph answer the question directly. Avoid saying what 'the community' should do, because the question asks what young people should choose. End by saying that they should choose work they enjoy if it can also meet their basic money needs.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, one side, the other side, and ending. Keep this plan, but make each main paragraph begin with one simple main idea and then add reasons and an example.
Coherence and cohesion
Some links are used too often, such as 'Moreover' and 'This is mainly because.' Use simple links with a clear purpose: 'For example' for an example, 'As a result' for an effect, and 'However' for a different view.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas smoother. For example, after saying that people enjoy a job, explain why this leads to better work before moving to the next point.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear lines such as 'society must take it into consideration.' Say exactly who should act and what they should consider. Clear subjects make your ideas easier to follow.
Task response
You discuss both loving a job and earning a high salary, and you give your own balanced view.
Task response
Your main ideas are relevant to the question, especially job interest, quality of life, and family needs.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has separate paragraphs for each side and a final conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use useful signposts such as 'On one hand,' 'On the other hand,' and 'In conclusion.'
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