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Band 5.5

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are equally responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? At least 250 words

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
In
this
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 modern era, the number of
children
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 who have an unhealthy
lifestyle
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 is drastically increasing.
This
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 has become an escalating dilemma that the community must face. From my perspective, I believe that
parents
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 and
schools
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 are responsible for their
children
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’s
lifestyle
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.
Therefore
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, in
this
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 essay, I will discuss
this
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 concept and present my point of view.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with,
children
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 are small kids who cannot determine where is their interest, so they must be directed by their
parents
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 and
schools
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.
Parents
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 are required to support their
children
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 with a healthy
lifestyle
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 program ,so they can easily adapt. To illustrate,
children
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 at a young age are at the most important stage of their lives, so they need a strong foundation to flourish and grow.
Moreover
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,
children
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 are not mature enough to control their actions as they don’t know what they are allowed to eat
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and not allowed to.
For example
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, most
children
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 nowadays try to eat
chocolate as much
Correct word order
as much chocolate
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 as they can, so they can feel happy.
Thus
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,
children
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 require
a
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apply
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precise guidance.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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,
schools
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 play an important role
as well as
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parents
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.
This
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 is primarily because
children
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 spend most of their time in
schools
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, so they are affected mostly by their teachers.
Schools
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 need to educate
children
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 on how they can follow a healthy
lifestyle
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 to maintain a healthy and strong body.
For instance
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,
schools
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 can make educational programs, not only to guide, but
also
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 to help enhance defects.
In addition
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,
schools
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 can encourage students to play sports. Specifically, when
children
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 are in groups
together with
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 friends, they are more likely to perform and have fun
while
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 playing sports games.
As a result
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,
schools
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 play a crucial role in a child’s life.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
parents
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 are responsible for their
children
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as well as
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schools
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.
This
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 is based on the grounds that
children
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 must be supported by both sides, so they can improve. In my opinion, I consider that
children
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 are responsible
from
Change preposition
for
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 both
parents
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 and
schools
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.
Finally
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,
children
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 are tomorrow's builders, so they must develop precisely.

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task response
State your view more clearly at the start: say that you agree that parents and schools share the same duty. Then explain why each side has a different but equal part.
task response
Develop each main idea with clear actions. For parents, write about food at home, sleep times, and time on phones. For schools, write about healthy meals, sport, and lessons about health.
task response
Use examples that show how the action helps. For example, parents can keep fruit at home instead of sweets, while schools can give all children time for sport each day.
task response
Avoid ideas that are too general, such as children needing guidance. Say exactly what guidance they need and who should give it.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. Make the link between the two body parts stronger by showing that home and school work together.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body paragraph, focus on parents only. In the second, focus on schools only.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use 'so' very often. Try other simple links, such as 'because', 'also', 'for this reason', and 'as a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph shorter and clearer. Do not repeat the same point in several ways. End by restating that both parents and schools must act together.
task response
You answer the main question and clearly say that both parents and schools are responsible.
task response
You give useful ideas about food, guidance, and sport, which are closely linked to a healthy life.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, one paragraph about parents, one about schools, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples in both main paragraphs, which helps the reader understand your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • unhealthy lifestyle
  • growing concern
  • crucial role
  • addressing this issue
  • promote healthy habits
  • educational programs
  • physical activities
  • establish healthy routines
  • nutritious meals
  • collaboration
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