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Band 5

In many countries people are deciding to have children at a later age than in the past. why? advantages outweigh disadvantages?

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Introduction
In many
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
 individuals are deciding to become a parent at a later
age
Use synonyms
 compared to the past. From my perspective, the potential advantages of having
children
Use synonyms
 at a later
age
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 are more significant than the negative consequences.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the disadvantages of becoming
parent
Add an article
a parent
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 at a later
age
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 before discussing the advantages of it.
Body paragraph 1
One of the primary reasons why
people
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 should have a child at an early
age
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 is
health
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 risks. Pregnancy at an older
age
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 can increase the risk of medical complications
such
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 as high blood pressure and miscarriage.
People
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 can experience serious problems in
this
Linking Words
period
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period,
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even it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 can result in death
due to
Linking Words
 late pregnancy.
Linking Words
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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 all of these
health
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 issues may lead to mental
health
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 problems. Another drawback is that
people
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 can be less energetic
while
Linking Words
 raising their
children
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. In many cases,
people
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 tend to lose their energy as they grow older
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it
Linking Words
also can
Correct word order
can also
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 affect their
children
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’s lives. For these reasons, having
children
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 at an early
age
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 is good for both
children
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 and parents.
Body paragraph 2
Despite the drawbacks, I firmly believe that the positives of having
children
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 at a later
age
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 are much greater than the possible downsides. A notable upside is better financial security. To clarify, parents should have stable incomes to provide their
children
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better
Rephrase
with a better
 lifestyle and education.
For instance
Linking Words
, financially stable parents can afford private schools and greater opportunities for their
children
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. Another reason is that they may be more patient, responsible and prepared for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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parenting.
For example
Linking Words
, they can approach their
children
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 with
emotionally
Replace the word
emotional
 maturity
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it impacts them in a good way. Given these considerations, becoming
parent
Add an article
a parent
show examples
 at a later
age
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 more benefits.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
people
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 are increasingly postponing parenthood
due to
Linking Words
 career goals and financial pressures.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 trend may involve certain
health
Use synonyms
 risks, I believe that the benefits of greater financial stability and emotional maturity outweigh these drawbacks.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain the good and bad sides, but the first question asks why people wait. Add a full body part on work goals, study, high living costs, and the wish to find the right partner.
task response
Make your main view clear from the start and keep it the same. Your view is that the good sides are stronger, and your last part supports this well.
task response
Give more exact support for each point. For example, explain how more money can pay for a home, child care, school, and health care. Explain how more life experience can help parents stay calm.
task response
Be careful with very strong claims, such as late pregnancy leading to death. Say that the risk can be higher, and explain that this does not happen in every case.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, the first main part talks about why people should have children early, not why many people now wait. Change this part so that it answers the first question.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas. For example: "One reason people wait is..."; "Another cause is..."; "However, later parenthood also has risks." This will make the order easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one job. One paragraph can explain why people wait, one can cover the bad sides, and one can show why the good sides are stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Improve some sentence links and word forms: use "becoming a parent", "emotional maturity", and "has more benefits". These small changes will make the writing smoother.
task response
You give a clear view that later parenthood has more good sides than bad sides.
task response
Your points about money, education, patience, and being ready for parenting are useful and fit the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, main paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful linking words such as "Firstly", "Moreover", "Despite the drawbacks", and "In conclusion".
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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