IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many people nowadays tend to marry and have children in their thirties rather than at a younger age. Is this a positive or negative development?

4.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Many people nowadays tend to marry and have children in their thirties rather than at a younger
age
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Is
this
Linking Words
 a positive or negative development?
Body paragraph 2
There is a widespread belief that
increasing
Add an article
an increasing
show examples
 number of couples hold that idea
marrying
Correct word choice
that marrying
show examples
 and
rising
Use the right word
raising
show examples
 a child is better in their thirties rather than taking these responsibilities at
younger
Add an article
a younger
show examples
age
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
l
Correct your spelling
I
 firmly believe there are some key positive aspects
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as improving their career independently and
devote
Wrong verb form
devoting
show examples
 time to travel and knowing one another , I
recognize
Change the spelling
recognise
show examples
 the negative sides ………………………
Body paragraph 3
On the one
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is a positive trend.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 a mother in later years means that a person has already received an education and has set a career. To clarify, it is obvious that
this
Linking Words
 kind of person is ready to provide the best upbringing for his or her children.
For instance
Linking Words
, when parents
improved
Wrong verb form
improve
show examples
 themselves in both career and educational life, they can
contribute
Verb problem
help
show examples
 their children
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
find their path easily in the future.
Additionally
Linking Words
, they have adequate time to know each other
flexibility
Punctuation problem
, flexibility
show examples
 to travel and
Linking Words
due to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
less responsibility. For these reasons, it is better to ……………..
Body paragraph 4
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the drawbacks of ……………….. cannot be overlooked. When people
married
Wrong verb form
marry
show examples
 later than the
age
Use synonyms
 set by the government, it leads to
demoghraphical
Correct your spelling
demographic
 decline.
Body paragraph 5
Moreover
Linking Words
, individuals who do not want to take responsibility
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the marriage at a younger
age
Use synonyms
 may struggle to maintain themselves from the
judgements
Correct your spelling
judgments
 coming from society. To illustrate, in many
western
Capitalize the proper name
Western
show examples
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
 a person can not be named as a successful and fortunate member of society,
although
Linking Words
getting
Verb problem
having
show examples
 many achievements related to professional and educational life.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 there are several negative sides of marrying and having kids in their thirties,
Linking Words
however
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
its drawbacks
Linking Words
also should
Correct word order
should also
show examples
 be considered.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Give a clear answer in the first paragraph: say if this is mainly a positive or a negative change. Keep this same view in every part of the essay.
task response
Finish all main ideas. Several parts stop in the middle, such as the end of the first paragraph and the first body paragraph. These gaps make your answer feel incomplete.
task response
Explain each point more fully. For example, parents with work and money may give children a safer home, but later birth may also bring health risks. Show why each point matters.
task response
Use real, clear examples. The example about work and study is linked to the topic, but it needs more detail. Say how a parent’s stable job can help pay for school, food, and care.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, one paragraph for the good side, one paragraph for the bad side, and conclusion. Make sure every paragraph has one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with clear words such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “As a result”. Do not join too many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make your conclusion match your view. It now says both that there are negative sides and that the drawbacks should be considered, but it does not clearly say which side is stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Check word choice and sentence form so the meaning is clear. For example, write “marrying and raising children”, not “marrying and rising a child”; write “an increasing number of couples”, not “increasing number of couples”.
task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides of marrying and having children later, which is relevant to the question.
task response
Your point about education and a stable job before parenthood is useful and directly linked to family life.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraph signals, including “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion”.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the basic plan is easy to see.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
    What to do next:
    Look at other essays: