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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the government should establish free libraries in each town. Others believe it is a waste of money since people can access the internet at home to obtain information. Discuss both the side and give your opinion.

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that people need to establish free libraries in each city
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 become good members of society.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that the government is responsible for providing a free
library
Use synonyms
, there is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that some people see that
a
Change preposition
as a
show examples
west
Use the right word
waste
show examples
 of money because the internet
has a
Verb problem
provides
show examples
 free information and a person can access the network at home.
This
Linking Words
 essay will analyse
this
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 topic from both points of view and express my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, the
library
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 is important to
develpment
Replace the word
developing
 countries and
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
 about various cultures
all
Punctuation problem
, all
show examples
Linking Words
that
Change preposition
of which
show examples
 is
due to
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a
Correct article usage
an
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 urban state.
In other words
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, libraries
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not used
for finding information only,
Correct word order
only for finding information;
show examples
 in that
place
Punctuation problem
place,
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 we can meet with our friends and
spend
Verb problem
have
show examples
 an
enjoy
Replace the word
enjoyable
 time there.
In addition
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, when we are looking for a book in the
library
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, it is possible to see an interesting title, so that title will open many doors for us.
For example
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, in Japan, important things for students at school are reading a book.
On the other hand
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, nowadays,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people can use the internet at home to research
about
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apply
show examples
information. It is
also
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 possible to say that researching
about
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apply
show examples
data from
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
home
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
that has
Verb problem
is
show examples
 a positive thing as
does
Correct pronoun usage
it does
show examples
 not need to waste time or
maney
Correct your spelling
money
.
Moreover
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, many countries
go to
Verb problem
are
show examples
 moving books from a building to the internet to facilitate learning.
For instance
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, there are studies that say researchers prefer conducting research via Google Scholar.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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quastion
Correct your spelling
question
.
on
Capitalize the word
On
show examples
 balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that both a
library
Use synonyms
 and the network can help a person to study, but I think the network is easier.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. However, your main ideas need to be clearer. Explain more fully why free libraries are worth public money, and why the internet may be a better choice for some people.
task response
Keep your opinion the same from start to end. The opening seems to support free libraries, but the ending says the internet is easier. State your choice clearly in the opening and support it in the main part.
task response
Use examples that directly prove your point. The Japan example is too short and not clear. Explain what schools or libraries in Japan do, and how this helps students.
task response
Some points do not answer the money question. For example, meeting friends is a good point, but you should also say why this makes a public library useful for a town.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear opening, two main parts, and an ending. To make it easier to read, give each main part one clear job: first the case for libraries, then the case for the internet.
coherence and cohesion
Start each main part with a clear first sentence. For example: “Free libraries give all people a place to read and learn.” Then explain this idea before moving to the next one.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more carefully. Some sentences are hard to follow, such as the point about cities and culture. Use simple links like “This is because”, “For this reason”, and “As a result” to show how one idea leads to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Write shorter sentences so the reader can see your point clearly. Check key words such as “waste”, “money”, “development”, and “question” before you finish.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you write about libraries, the internet, and your own view.
task response
You include examples about Japan and Google Scholar. This shows an effort to make your ideas more real.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses a useful basic shape: an opening, two sides of the topic, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, “In addition”, and “For example” to guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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