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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nations should spend more money on skills and vocational training for practical work, rather than on university education. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Read my sample answer for this questio n

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Introduction
In
this
Linking Words
 modern era,
university
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 has been a controversial issue
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 society. Many people believe that spending
money
Use synonyms
 on practical skills is more crucial than any other
Use synonyms
education
Punctuation problem
education,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 some individuals believe that
university
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 is one of the most critical experiences that
students
Use synonyms
 must encounter. From my perspective, I believe that spending
money
Use synonyms
 on
university
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 is much more important than practical skills.
Therefore
Linking Words
, in
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will discuss why spending
money
Use synonyms
 on
university
Use synonyms
education
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 is better and present my point of view.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, individuals prefer
university
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education
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 primarily because
Use synonyms
university
Add an article
a university
show examples
 is not only a place where
students
Use synonyms
 learn but
also
Linking Words
 make relationships. At
young
Add an article
a young
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 age, making relationships is really critical, so
students
Use synonyms
 can get new experiences.
For instance
Linking Words
, going to
university
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 will let
students
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 meet new people
in which
Change preposition
with whom
show examples
 they can make relationships that
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
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 them after they graduate.
Moreover
Linking Words
, meeting new people and making connections with them may offer better job opportunities. To illustrate, universities encourage
students
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 to work in groups, so they can have better communication skills.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
university
Use synonyms
education
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 is an important stage of any student's life.
Students
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 must use
this
Linking Words
 period wisely ,so
it
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 can end up with a good job opportunity or a startup. Specifically, universities who are offering internship programs for
students
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 with a job contract if they
performed
Wrong verb form
perform
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 well.
In addition
Linking Words
,
students
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 enjoy their time in college by joining group activities, playing sports, games, and
perform
Wrong verb form
performing
show examples
 active learning strategies. Specifically, if
students
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 tried to play tournaments in college, they would find it enthusiastic because playing with friends feels different.
Thus
Linking Words
, spending
money
Use synonyms
 on
university
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 is beneficial and helpful.
Conclusion
In conclusion, spending
money
Use synonyms
 on
university
Use synonyms
education
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 is helpful for
students
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 for many reasons.
This
Linking Words
 is why
students
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 should pay more
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their college studies, and work harder to achieve better opportunities, especially at
young
Add an article
a young
show examples
 age.
Finally
Linking Words
,
university
Use synonyms
 is an important experience that
students
Use synonyms
 must explore to build a better life and career.

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Task response
State your view in a more direct way. Say that you disagree, or partly disagree, because the question asks about public money for two kinds of education.
Task response
Discuss skills and work training as well as university study. Your essay mainly explains why university is good, but it does not fully explain why work training should get less money.
Task response
Use ideas that are about national spending. For example, say that countries need doctors, teachers, and engineers, while work training can help fill jobs in building, care, and repair.
Task response
Choose stronger examples. Sports, games, and having fun with friends do not clearly show why a country should spend more money on university study.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but give each body part one clear main idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the first body part about jobs and work links. Make the second body part about the need for university study in key fields. This will make the ideas easier to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “For example”, “Also”, and “As a result” can show how each idea connects to the next one.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same point many times, such as university being important or helpful. Add a new reason instead of repeating the same idea.
Task response
You give a clear personal view and keep it through the essay.
Task response
You include some work-related ideas, such as job chances, work groups, and training at university.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body parts, and a conclusion, so it is easy to see your overall plan.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, such as “To begin with”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion”.
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