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Band 6

The two pie charts below show some employment patterns in Great Britain in 1992

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The two pie charts below show some employment patterns in Great Britain in 1992
Both
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 pie charts illustrate the proportion of male and female
workers
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 in Great Britain in 1992.
Overall
Linking Words
, most women worked in non-manual
jobs
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,
while
Linking Words
 men were equally divided between
both
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 types of
work
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, General labourers are the least popular among
workers
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. Looking at the non-manual
jobs
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, clerical or related
work
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 was the most popular
in
Change preposition
among
show examples
 women at 31%,but at the same time,
this
Linking Words
work
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 wasn’t popular
in
Change preposition
among
show examples
 men at 6% , which was the same as with other non-manual
jobs
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 in males. Consider the managerial and professional
jobs
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, that was the most favoured in males, but are the 2nd favored in females. For manual
jobs
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, craft or similar
work
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 had a very similar percentage for
both
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 groups, at 27% for women and 26% for men.
However
Linking Words
, the information in
both
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 charts made a big difference between the percentage of other manual
work
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 in male and female
workers
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.
Finally
Linking Words
, general labourers represented just 2% of male
workers
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 and 1% of female
workers
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.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words both, workers, jobs, work with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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