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Band 5

**Question:** In many countries, a prison sentence is considered as the best way to decrease crime. However, education is often argued as a more effective way. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
In certain countries, it is considered that mitigation of
crime
Use synonyms
 is only possible if criminals are imprisoned for specific years
according to
Linking Words
Use synonyms
crime
Add an article
the crime
show examples
 intensity.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, other countries believe that criminals should be given an opportunity
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 to improve their lives.
Although
Linking Words
 both opinions have their potential arguments, I firmly believe that
education
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 is an effective way to decrease the
crime
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rate
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
prison
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a prison
show examples
 sentence as a punishment
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a
crime
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 creates fear among
public
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the public
show examples
.
In other words
Linking Words
, during imprisonment, criminals lose their freedom
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they have to spend their punishment years in jail without any entertainment,
even
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 they cannot
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 what to eat or what to wear. They have to perform labour jobs which require a considerable amount
physical
Change preposition
of physical
show examples
efforts
Check wording
effort
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.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
these
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
all
thoughts
Correct determiner usage
these thoughts
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 discourage
individuals
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to commit
Rephrase
from committing
 a
crime
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 because they will lose
their
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
valuable years of
life
Rephrase
their lives
 if they
find
Wrong verb form
are found
show examples
 guilty
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 any
crime
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.
As a result
Linking Words
, imprisonment discourages
people
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to involve
Change preposition
from engaging
show examples
 in criminal activities
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 explicitly decreases the
crime
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rate
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 of the nation.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
education
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 plays
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 crucial role
to minimise
Rephrase
in minimising
 the
crime
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rate
Use synonyms
 in society. To explain it, most of the
people
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 perform illegal activities to earn money. If these
people
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 are trained with skills and
education
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, they can find a job to earn money.
As a result
Linking Words
, they do not need to choose illegal ways for earning their livings.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
education
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 teaches
people
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 the ethics and moral values. It enables
individuals
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 to make
right
Add an article
the right
show examples
 decisions for themselves and for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. An educated person always
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a
broaden
Replace the word
broad
 perspective,
deeper
Add an article
a deeper
show examples
 understanding and valuable morals.
Hence
Linking Words
,
education
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 eradicates criminal thoughts inside humans and
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
individuals
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to
Check wording
the choice to
show examples
 choose
right
Add an article
the right
show examples
 options rather than
pressurizing
Change the spelling
pressurising
show examples
 them to choose
right
Add an article
the right
show examples
 path.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 prison punishment
instill
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instils
show examples
 fear inside
individuals
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 to reduce criminal activity, in my opinion,
education
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enlighten
Change the verb form
enlightens
show examples
people
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 against criminal activity from inside without any pressure and contributes to
decrease
Wrong verb form
decreasing
show examples
 the
crimes
Check wording
crime
show examples
rate
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.

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task response
You answer both sides and give a clear view. To make your view stronger, explain why education works better than prison in the long term, not only why it can help people find work.
task response
Add one clear, real-life example. For example, say that job training for young people can help them get work and keep them away from crime.
task response
Be careful with very strong claims such as “an educated person always” has good values. Use softer words like “may” or “is more likely to” because education does not stop every crime.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, prison view, education view, and conclusion. Keep this good shape.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each main paragraph more direct. For example: “Prison can reduce crime by making people fear punishment.” This helps the reader follow your main point at once.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use “As a result” many times. Try “Therefore”, “For this reason”, or join two short ideas in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and have many ideas. Split them into shorter sentences, especially in the first main paragraph. This will make your meaning clearer.
task response
You discuss prison and education fairly, and your own opinion is clear from the introduction to the end.
task response
Your main ideas are relevant: prison can make people fear crime, while education can give people work skills and teach right and wrong.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph stays on one main idea, so the essay is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion brings both views together and clearly repeats your own view.
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