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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, many people have access to computers and a large number of children enjoy playing video games. What are the advantages and disadvantages of playing video games for children？

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Introduction
In the present day, most of the population
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 access to
computers
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 a huge number of juveniles enjoy playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
. From my perspective,
computers
Use synonyms
 can be used in many different ways
including
Punctuation problem
, including
show examples
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
;
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 have many paths to
utilize
Change the spelling
utilise
show examples
 and
organize
Change the spelling
organise
show examples
 depending on how the user wants to use them.
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost,
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 have been popular since the start of
computers
Use synonyms
 and
can
Check wording
users can
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 not deny that all of the
computers
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 will have at least one game or more in the
computer
Punctuation problem
computer,
show examples
 whether users
will
Wrong verb form
apply
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like it or not.
Video
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games
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 have many types
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
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instance
Punctuation problem
instance,
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first person
Correct your spelling
first-person
 shooting or story mode
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 even about history.
Body paragraph 2
On one hand,
video
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games
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 make
children
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 want to relax and take a break from whatever they have
faced
Verb problem
been doing
show examples
. Certain groups of
children
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 play story
games
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 or history
games
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 to practice
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
making a plan
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 some use it to acknowledge the
mistake
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mistakes
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 people in the past have made.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
few
Add an article
a few
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 fail to control themselves from playing too many
video
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games
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. First of all, if they enjoy
video
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games
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 too much, it can make
your
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 health go wrong
starting
Punctuation problem
, starting
show examples
 from
your
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 eyes. Some of the
children
Use synonyms
 who can not manage their mental health may reduce their feelings about the importance of their family.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 have two sides depending on how users want to
utilize it
Fix the agreement mistake
utilise them
show examples
.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 it can not be denied that
video
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games
Use synonyms
 nowadays affect most
children
Use synonyms
's childhood in many different ways.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. Give clear good points, such as learning, problem solving, and rest. Then give clear bad points, such as less sleep, less time for study, and health problems.
task response
Explain each main point with a simple reason and one real example. For example, a history game may help a child learn about a past time, but it should not take the place of school work.
task response
Some ideas are too general. The point about games being on all computers does not answer the question well. Use that space to explain how games affect children.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Make the first paragraph state the main answer more clearly: video games can help children, but too much play can cause problems.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first main paragraph, focus only on good effects. In the second, focus only on bad effects.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a careful way. “First of all”, “for example”, “however”, and “as a result” can show how ideas are linked. Do not use “on one hand” unless you also use “on the other hand” for two equal sides.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end sum up the good and bad points. Avoid adding a new idea there. A short final view, such as the need for time limits, would make the ending stronger.
task response
You discuss both good and bad effects of video games, which is important for this question.
task response
Your good points about rest and learning from story or history games are linked to children.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an opening, separate good and bad paragraphs, and a closing paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “for instance”, “on the other hand”, and “in conclusion” help the reader see the main parts of your essay.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • strategic thinking
  • gamified learning
  • hand-eye coordination
  • fine motor skills
  • social interaction
  • multiplayer
  • cooperative gaming
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • academic performance
  • aggressive behavior
  • desensitization
  • eye strain
  • sleep patterns
  • fatigue
  • concentration difficulties
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