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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cities, public parks and open spaces are changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own fruits and vegetables. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
n
Correct your spelling
In
 modern society, life has changed a great deal, especially in parks.
This
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 includes parks. Recently, some people believe that they should go to the local park.
However
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, others believe that the opposite is a difficult idea.
Thus
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, both views have significant points. I personally argue that the advantages are stronger than the disadvantages.
This
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 assay will provide key information to explore the topic.
Hence
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, the governments should provide a smart method to protect the citizens
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, based on the primary view, there are several significant advantages
,
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apply
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 which can create a real change.
This
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 is
due to
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 positive reasons.
First,
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the local
garden
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 is a useful place. Because it increases production. The orange production is a prime example.
As a result
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, the community becomes rich and happy.
Additionally
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, the local activity will become more effective.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, in terms of the secondary view, there are numerous disadvantages, which can make a negative issue.
This
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 is
due to
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 the negative reasons.
Firstly
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, the public
garden
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 unuseful idea.
This
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 will make the
garden
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 ineffective.
As a result
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,
this
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 will decrease the outcome.
In addition
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,
this
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 will make growth more difficult.
In other words
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, the public
garden
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 is more active than the local
garden
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, in terms of the advantages and disadvantages, there are many significant benefits.
However
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, there are major dramatic drawbacks, which can make negative impact.
Thus
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, the government recommends people follow the right tips for a positive result and a better life. I firmly believe that the benefits are more effective than the drawbacks.

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task response
Give clear reasons why the good points are bigger than the bad points. At the moment, many ideas are too general, such as “the community becomes rich and happy.” Explain how growing food helps local people.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, say that families can get fresh food, spend less money, and meet other people in the area.
task response
Make the bad points clear. You could write that less space may be left for children to play, people to walk, or groups to meet. Then explain why these bad points are smaller than the good points.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an opening, two main parts, and an ending. However, the first part is not clear because it talks about people going to parks, not about turning parks into food gardens.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one main idea. In the first main paragraph, explain the good points. In the second, explain the bad points. End each paragraph with a clear link to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words in a natural way: “First,” “For example,” “However,” “Because of this,” and “In conclusion.” Do not repeat “This is due to” and “As a result” too often.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not complete or are hard to understand, for example, “the public garden unuseful idea.” Write full sentences: “A public garden may not work well if no one takes care of it.”
task response
You clearly state your own view: you think the good points are stronger than the bad points.
coherence and cohesion
You use a clear basic essay shape with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to show both sides of the topic, which is important for this kind of question.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public park
  • open space
  • local residents
  • grow food
  • fruit and vegetables
  • fresh produce
  • healthy diet
  • save money
  • lower cost
  • community spirit
  • work together
  • share tools
  • help each other
  • green space
  • good for the environment
  • reduce transport
  • learn about nature
  • public use
  • free space
  • outdoor activities
  • take care of
  • set rules
  • local area
  • lose interest
  • keep a balance
  • outweigh the disadvantages
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