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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The best way to provide enough homes in large cities is to build tall apartment blocks. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your ownknowledge or experience.

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Introduction
It is often argued that constructing high-rise
apartment
Use synonyms
buildings
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 is the most effective way to provide homes for
residents
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 in big
cities
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. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, primarily because building apartments does not waste vast amounts of
land
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 and
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 affordable housing options for
residents
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 in big
cities
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.
Body paragraph 1
In recent years, many
residents
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 have found it difficult to
have
Verb problem
find
show examples
 homes in big
cities
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 because demand for housing is high and
land
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 is limited. Building landed
houses
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 for each family occupies a large area, so fewer
houses
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 can be built in big
cities
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
, high-rise
apartment
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buildings
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 can be built vertically on a limited
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land
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amount of land
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, providing
houses
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 for households in one place.
In addition
Linking Words
,
apartment
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buildings
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also
Linking Words
 provide shared facilities that can be used by many individuals living in
apartment
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 blocks, so the
land
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 is used efficiently.
Body paragraph 2
Another reason why constructing
apartment
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buildings
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 can provide enough homes is that it is more affordable than landed
houses
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, particularly for younger generations.
Due to
Linking Words
 inflation, the cost of properties is increasing considerably over the years, making it more difficult to
have
Verb problem
buy
show examples
houses
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 in big
cities
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.
For example
Linking Words
, many young adults in Indonesia cannot afford
houses
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 in the capital city, Jakarta, because the price of properties
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 rising considerably over the years.
Therefore
Linking Words
, building tall
apartment
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 blocks can provide many opportunities for
residents
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 to have their dream house, even though building
apartment
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buildings
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do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not automatically make every home affordable.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly maintain that constructing high-rise
apartment
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buildings
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 is the most effective way to create more
houses
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 to citizens, mainly because
apartment
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buildings
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 do not use many spaces and are more affordable than landed
houses
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 in big
cities
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.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start, and you keep the same view to the end. To make it stronger, explain more fully why tall homes are the best way, not only one useful way. You could also say why other choices, such as homes outside the city, may not meet the need as well.
task response
Your two main ideas are good: tall homes save land and may cost less. The first idea is well explained. For the second, be careful: tall homes are not always cheap to build or buy. Explain that they can cost less per home because the land cost is shared by many families.
task response
The Jakarta example is on topic, but it mainly shows that homes are costly. Add one clear fact or case about an apartment block giving homes to many people on a small piece of land. This would support your main point more directly.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: opening, two body parts, and ending. Each body part has one main idea. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. 'In contrast', 'In addition', and 'Therefore' help the reader follow your ideas. However, some long sentences have too many ideas. Split them into two short sentences when you give a cause and a result.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same words too often, such as 'big cities', 'houses', and 'apartment buildings'. Use simple other words like 'city land', 'homes', 'flats', and 'these buildings' when the meaning is clear.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence match your main idea more closely. Say 'provide more homes for city residents' rather than 'create more houses to citizens'. This makes the ending clear and natural.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly state that you agree strongly.
task response
You give two relevant reasons and include an example from Jakarta.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and clearly show your main view.
coherence and cohesion
The body parts are in a logical order: first land use, then cost.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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