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Band 5.5

Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will l earn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn’t sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
People
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 hold different opinions
whether
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on whether
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teenagers
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 should take part-time
jobs
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 to learn workplace
skills
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 and discipline,
whereas
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 others argue that young
people
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 should devote more time to rest, study and extracurricular
activities
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 for their holistic development.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives before explaining why I think that part-time
jobs
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 are beneficial, and it does not interfere with their studies.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, part-time
jobs
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 can provide valuable life
skills
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. By working in shops, restaurants or other places, young
people
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 can develop practical
skills
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, discipline, and a sense of responsibility, all of which help them to perform tasks effectively.
For instance
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,
teenagers
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 who work in restaurants
such
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 as Tim Hortons have to communicate with customers and colleagues on a regular basis.
As a result
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,
this
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 helps them to improve their confidence
,
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apply
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 and teamwork
skills
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, which are essential in
modern
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the modern
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 workplace.
Moreover
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, earning money on their own not only gives them a sense of satisfaction but
also
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they
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helps them
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 realise the value of money at
their
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a
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 younger age.
Consequently
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, it helps them to become financially responsible
,
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 and reduce their spending and burden on their parents.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, many individuals think that young
people
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 should primarily focus on education
,
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apply
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 and their extracurricular
activities
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. Nowadays, students face academic pressure
,
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and
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 intense competition to achieve high grades, which often makes their lives more stressful and demanding. Taking on part-time
jobs
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 may reduce the time and energy that they can devote to their studies.
In addition
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, long working hours can make them feel tired and fatigued, which can negatively affect both their academic performance
,
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apply
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 and
overall
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 well-being.
Therefore
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, it is important for
teenagers
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 to participate in extracurricular
activities
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such
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 as arts, sports, and other leisure pursuits, as these
activities
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 help them remain mentally and physically active.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 part-time
jobs
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 help
teenagers
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 gain practical
skills
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 and financial awareness, I believe that education should remain a top priority for them. Learning a new skill at a younger age will be beneficial for them to secure better opportunities in the future.
However
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,
this
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 is possible only when their working hours are limited
and
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, and
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 their studies are not affected.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view clearly. To make your view even stronger, say more clearly that work is good only when it is short and does not harm school work.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: jobs can teach work skills and money skills, while too much work can hurt study, rest, and health. Add one more clear reason for each side to make the discussion deeper.
task response
The Tim Hortons example is useful because it shows how work can build speaking and team skills. You could also give a short example of a student whose school work suffers because of long work hours.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, one side, the other side, and a final view. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use words such as “For instance”, “Moreover”, “As a result”, and “Therefore” well, but some links are not needed. Shorter sentences can make the flow smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main point. In the first body paragraph, you move from work skills to money skills. These ideas fit together, but a clearer link between them would help.
coherence and cohesion
Check small grammar points that can affect flow, such as “in the modern workplace,” “at a young age,” and “it does not interfere with studies.” Avoid commas before “and” when they are not needed.
task response
You answer every part of the question: you explain both views and state your own opinion.
task response
Your view is balanced. You support part-time work, but you also say that school should come first.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence, so the reader knows what the paragraph will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
The final paragraph brings the main ideas together and gives a clear condition: work hours should be limited.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • part-time employment
  • earn an income
  • work experience
  • financial independence
  • the value of money
  • develop a sense of responsibility
  • improve time-management skills
  • workplace discipline
  • customer service skills
  • balance work and study
  • academic performance
  • after-school activities
  • heavy workload
  • exam preparation
  • physical and mental wellbeing
  • limited working hours
  • age-appropriate jobs
  • future career prospects
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